Clomid- Round 2

The roller coaster continues and that's really all I can say. I'm in a funk tonight wishing I could snuggle with my husband and unload all my heartache to him, but he's off to bible study. And honestly, I wouldn't anyway. It doesn't help. He is emotionally unable to provide what I'm looking for in these darkest hours (no fault of his own, I doubt any man can). I guess it is partially due to his maleness, partially his personality, and partially that he is sick of the whole TTC process. What I really need is a friend to go through this with me. I don't even have to know the person, it could be a faceless person across the country. I just need someone to talk to who really understands.

But I'm trying to stay as hopeful as I can. I start round 2 of Clomid tonight, which means the wicked witch of the west is moving in to my house for the next week or so. I'm upping the dose from 100mg to 150mg. The doctor is hoping that this will move my ovulation day up. I just want to be in the "normal range" this month... under 18 days.

I'm also thinking about taking up yoga. The doctor gave me the all clear as long as I stick to gentle stretching. Maybe yoga would help me deal with the overload of stress from this whole process and get rid of some of the weight that I've tacked on that I can only blame on moodiness and a sedentary lifestyle.

Well that's it for tonight... If I continue on I will only convince my readers of a bleak outlook on life as I throw myself another pity party. Here's to hoping that 150mg kicks my ovaries into high gear (but not overdrive) and that the husband still wants to baby dance!

2WW

For those of you not up on your TTC lingo, 2WW means two week wait. Basically referring to the average two week time frame between ovulation and the expected start of the next cycle. And let me tell you, fourteen days have never seemed so long. I'll admit, I cheat all the time and test early, which is totally dumb because even when I get a negative, I don't accept it. I tell myself "maybe it was too early". So I convince myself to wait a few more days and waste another three dollars. Another admission: I don't usually even have to wait two weeks. I have long cycles, but my luteal phase (the time from ovulation to menstruation) averages about ten days.

Well not this cycle! Although the clomid did nothing to move my ovulation date up, it seems to have increased my luteal phase, which is good. A short luteal phase, known as luteal phase defect, is a serious hindrance to implantation. Basically I can conceive, but the fertilized egg doesn't have the time to implant in the uterus before my body starts sending the "cancel" signal to start preparing for menstruation. A fourteen day luteal phase is considered perfect (exactly two weeks) and that is exactly what I am sitting on today. Tomorrow I can test with moderate confidence. But these fourteen days have been an emotional roller coaster. I simply expect my period by day twelve at the latest. The only time I've gone longer, I was pregnant, so you can imagine every day past ten, my heart inflates a little more. If AF (aunt flow) shows, my bubble will burst and I will fall quite a distance to smack back onto the pavement of reality.

There is absolutely no way anyone who has not experienced one BFN (big fat negative) after another could possibly understand the emotional toll trying to conceive can have on a woman (and her husband). Even women who experience miscarriage won't necessarily understand. For many, miscarriage is a horrible, overwhelming, devastating period, but they are soon gifted with a healthy pregnancy which helps to alleviate some of that heartache. But infertility, that is another story entirely. Month after month, you ride a roller coaster nightmare. You are strapped in, can't get off, have to finish the ride. The problem is, it never ends, it simply starts again. Some days I feel optimistic, I think to myself, "maybe this is it". Hours or days later, my optimism is missing, replaced by something worse than pessimism. It's called depression. It's dark and lonely. Tears don't clear the air to a brighter outlook, they just leave a stuffy nose and bloodshot eyes. Laughter is half-hearted and hollow. Despite knowing in my head that thousands of women are experiencing the same thing, I feel so alone. There is no one to talk to but Sam and my mom. Sam doesn't like talking about it, and my mom is often too optimistic and cheerful to stomach (sorry mom). She is what the world calls a "glass is half-full" kind of lady, and she has spent twenty-six years trying to help her "glass is half-empty" daughter have a more positive outlook, but to no avail. In these dark moments, I want to wallow in my despair and have someone truly understand. But there is no one. Instead I'm surrounded by happy pregnant ladies looking radiant and full of life who discuss names and nurseries.

I think my 2WW is coming to an end soon, and I don't think I'll get that BFP (big fat positive) this time. My temperature chart is starting to show that downward slide that means AF is coming to visit.

So here is to hoping if she's on her way, she'll come soon, stay short, and that I won't have to see her ugly face again for at least nine months!

Blessings

"Children are a blessing and a gift from the Lord."

~Psalm 127:3

The bible is clear, children are a blessing from the Lord. The scripture goes on to say that the greater number of children you have, the better off you will be. So I can't help but question, why is this blessing being withheld from Sam and I? I go back and forth with this, thinking that it cannot possibly be that the good people get blessed with kids while bad people will suffer infertility. It is obviously not as simple as conceived in sin, or not. My thoughts continue to circle back and forth, returning over and over again to the idea that maybe this blessing is being withheld because I haven't trusted the Lord. I have tried to control the future and plan it all out. After getting married, I took birth control pills and used many forms of contraception because we weren't "ready". Even now, I'm trying to control it by charting, and taking clomid. So maybe this gift is not mine because instead of willingly accepting it in God's time, I'm trying to take it on my own time.

The Duggar family (you know, the ones with 19 kids) have always been kind of hard for me to swallow, that is, until I heard more of their story. Jim Bob and Michelle got married in 1984, and like many newlyweds they chose to go on the pill to prevent conception until they felt they could support a family. When they felt they were ready, Michelle went off the pill and they conceived their first son, Josh. Immediately after giving birth, Michelle went back on the pill. Surprisingly she conceived while on the pill. She miscarried her second child after her second month. They decided then that they would not control the size of their family any longer; they would give it to God. A few months after that decision, they conceived twins. So maybe it is all about giving it over to God, and trusting in His promises.

But then I second guess myself as a travel down that road, thinking that taking a doctors advice in this situation is the same as taking a doctors advice in any other moment. So if I was diagnosed with a treatable disease, would I choose not to receive treatment? Absolutely not! So why shouldn't I follow my doctor's lead and do everything possible to increase my chances of conception? Ultimately the miracle still rests in God's hands. Nothing that I do or my doctors do can take the power from the Lord.

So then I think, well maybe it's because I'm not asking for the blessing loud enough, or long enough, or often enough. I think back to reading the book, The Prayer of Jabez, in middle school. The idea behind this book is that Jabez called upon the Lord asking for blessings, and the Lord heard him and answered his prayer. Maybe the Lord is waiting, wanting to give me this gift, but waiting for me to turn to Him and fall on my knees asking for Him to bless me richly.

Obviously, I have a lot of time on my hands to ponder all of these complex topics and more. And I don't know that I'll ever know why one person conceives accidentally while another will try for years and never conceive. I'm in the midst of the dreaded "two week wait" right now, so I'm sure I'll have lots of time to think on this and many other things during this time. But hears to hoping that my first of many blessings is already on the way!

Clomid Update

Well, its day 17 of my current cycle, and no good news so far. My doctor has instructed that if I don't get a positive OPK (ovulation prediction kit) by tomorrow, to call him. I'm not sure if that means more blood work, ultrasounds, etc, or if he simply wants an update. It's hard not to be a bit upset that the clomid hasn't worked so far. I really had such high hopes that this would work for me. My doctor seemed so optimistic, but now I can't help but start to wonder if I might be clomid resistant.

When I first started I was so confident that it was working. I didn't have any horrible symptoms, but I could certainly tell that it was doing something. The first few days I was incredible moody; feeling the need to cry randomly, and getting angry over really small things. Even more noticeable have been the pains in my lower abdomen. It started out as a mild discomfort and grew into sharp pains when I would move or bend on both sides. After about a week of that it has become less severe and only really hurts on my left side. To me it seems like the pain should have grown until ovulation and then receded or gone away completely, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

Clomid resistance is ultimately not responding to the medication with ovulation. My research sums it up like this, "Sometimes ultrasound will show the follicles growing is response to clomid, but the midcyle LH surge isn't strong enough to bring on ovulation. In this case, your doctor may prescribe clomid along with an injection of hcg to trigger ovulation and boost the mid cycle LH surge." 1 After that it appears the next step is to move on from clomid to other medications, which aren't as widely used and have higher risks involved. And after that, it appears the next step would be IUI (intrauterine insemination). This is probably the last step that Sam and I can afford at this point as it can cost up to $5000 (It can be much less, so lets hope it is if we need it!)

Here's to hoping that tomorrow is the day and all this worrying is for nothing!

Infertility = Marital Strain

I think everyone who goes through infertility struggles would say that it adds stain on their marriage. And honestly, I haven't handled the situation all that well in regards to my dear husband. I think my intensity and fervor have begun to make my husband feel isolated. This is totally not what I intended to do, obviously. However, I think it is probably pretty normal for the struggles with fertility to affect the woman more, especially miscarriage. I don't think men grasp and wrap their minds around pregnancy as fast as most women. I think it was mostly hard for Sam to see me in so much pain and feel helpless. And I guess I can understand where he's coming from. Ultimately, Sam wants kids, sure, but now, I think he mostly wants kids because I do. To him, 30-35, that is perfectly reasonable and rational age to have kids. To him we've got all the time in the world, and I need to "chill out".

But chilling out is not really an option for me. My type A personality plus my need to worry excessively, prevent any form of "chill". I don't feel that relaxing and just "letting it happen" is an option for me, as pregnancy isn't coming very easy for us. I'm having to work and think about the process every day. It starts in the morning with the alarm. To me this doesn't signal "wake up", it signals "take your temperature", 7 days a week. Then the rest of my day, somehow (maybe boredom at work) leads me to think about, plan for, and worry about getting pregnant, pregnancy, and a new baby. I have to check my CF at least 3 times a day, and then, chart, chart, chart, all my symptoms and fertility signs everyday. Then its time to take my OPK test. Then it's time to take the clomid and prenatal vitamins and go to bed praying that this cycle, my miracle is coming. I think it's kind of understandable with all of that going on, that my focus has been leaning towards pregnancy. Especially because no one knows that we are trying to conceive other than Sam and my mom. I can only talk to two people in the whole world about the one thing that consumes 50+% of my thoughts on a daily basis.

That's my vindication for the way I've behaved and my attitude for the last several months; however, proving my feelings are valid isn't the point. The purpose of my marriage is to show Christlike love and compassion to my husband everyday, even when he seems unloveable. So how do I fix this? Obviously I need to chill out with the baby talk. I need to limit discussion of my feelings, symptoms, and dreams it terms of babies, and find something else to talk about again. There will be plenty of time to choose names, pick cribs and bedding, and decide on paint colors once we are pregnant (it takes nine months after all). Secondly, I need to work a bit harder at speaking my husband's love language: words of affirmation. The power of the tongue is important in all marriages, but I have to remember that it is particularly powerful in mine. I speak love to Sam by words of encouragement, and admiration. My words have been telling Sam that my top priority is getting pregnant, not him or our marriage.

My husband is an amazing, AMAZING man. On a daily basis, he is SO good to me! Let me take a moment to brag: Sam regularly checks in on me throughout the day to see how my day at work is going, he cooks dinner for me every night, and nine times out of ten, he does the dishes too (lucky me). He constantly and consistently tells me that he loves me. And he really cares about my feelings. If I'm down, or feeling blah, he attempts to comfort me, or make me laugh. My sweet husband puts up with a lot; I'm not an easy person to live with. These last six months have made that even more apparent. The Lord has blessed me richly by giving me Sam. He is a far better husband to me, than I am a wife to him. I don't deserve his care, compassion, or patience, but I am thankful for it.

I'm praying that I will find ways in the coming months to allow this journey to bring us closer together. I believe that the Lord wants that for us. Maybe it is even a part of the reason for my struggles. I'm praying that the Lord will teach me new and better ways to show love to my husband. And that our communication and unity will grow under the shepherding of the Lord.

Fertility drugs?!?

It's official, I'm starting fertility drugs today. This starts my 10th cycle since coming off all forms of contraceptives. I had my day 3 blood work on Monday, and after talking to the doctor today, I now know that there is nothing seriously wrong... no medical reason that I shouldn't be able to get pregnant if my ovulation could be regulated. Enter the star of the show: clomid. At first, I really felt awful about needing fertility treatments. I mean seriously, who needs fertility treatments in their mid-twenties? However, now that I have a plan of action, and my doctor has encouraged me to be optimistic about this treatment, I can't help but be EXCITED!!!! Who cares if I need fertility treatments, I don't think my son or daughter will ever be ashamed that I didn't conceive naturally. He/she will just know how much I wanted a child!

Concerns: Well, there's the fear of twins for sure. I certainly wouldn't mind AT ALL to have a healthy set of twins, but my sweet husband is terrified of multiples, and I think a first child will be overwhelming enough for him without any extra stress/fear/worry. Twins scare me only for the reason that it's a more risky pregnancy, and after one miscarriage, I cannot imagine the pain of losing another one (or two)! Basically, studies have said that the average person has about a 1-3% chance of twins. I assume I'm about a 3% girl myself as my dad is a twin and his mom was a twin too! Clomid increases your chance of multiples to about 8%, so there is a chance, but not that great. Multiples or not, I'm just praying for favor, that this treatment will work for us.

I'm also worried about the side effects of the medication. There's a fairly short list of side effects: blurred vision, abdominal pain, vaginal bleeding, nausea, headaches. The scary one: a 10% chance of ovarian cysts. The cysts can be extremely painful, require surgery, and require obstaining from trying to conceive for several cycles until cysts disappear (nightmare!).

Ultimately, I'm trying not to stress (any more than normal), and to be optimistic. One way or another, I will know if clomid works for me in about 6 cycles. Praying that is does and this marks the start of our family!

Stressin'

How do you de-stress when everything about TTC (trying to conceive) is stressful. Charting is supposed to make you feel in control, empowered... it makes me feel helpless, like I'm a freak. I know now what is supposed to happen... My CF should move from dry to wet as I approach ovulation, my LH (luteinizing hormone) should surge 12-36 hours before ovulation, the day after ovulation my temperature should spike, my CF should quickly dry up, and my temp should stay elevated above my cover line until dropping right before starting my period, or better yet, not drop for 18 days indicating pregnancy. In essence a chart should look like this:

But what about when your chart looks like mountain peaks and the software tells you your chart has conflicting data?What happens when your chart looks like this:

Stress can supposedly delay ovulation, dry up your CF, and sometimes even make you annovulatory (not ovulating)... S0 my goal is to chart my stats about five times a day, meticulously plan intercourse, and yet not stress as I speedily inch closer to thirty everyday... yea right!