A Season of Waiting

And so this is Christmas... or at least Christmas Eve. Another year over. Another year of waiting. This year, I can't help but connect Christmas and this entire season with IVF and Jacksonville, Florida. This time last year, we were preparing to travel the day after Christmas. My mind was almost entirely swallowed up with preparation for the trip: checking medications, then checking them again. Packing and repacking the suitcase. Honestly, Christmas was basically just a day standing between me and IVF. This year feels incredibly different. Instead of the rush and stress of preparing for IVF, I've got plenty of time to think and contemplate. Absolutely nothing is happening in the adoption world. In fact, just about everyone we're working with has said that typically birth mothers don't contact them during the holidays, so don't expect anything before the new year other than a rare "stork drop." So yeah, lots and lots of time to muse.

All of this free time as we approach Christmas has led me to see so many connections between Advent and my own season of waiting. I think many of us do that. We find some sort of comfort in the season of Advent because it feels good to know you're not alone, that others have waited (and waited, and waited) too.  I love the way Louie Giglio explains it in his new devotional specifically for this season, Waiting Here for You:

"But Jesus didn't arrive without a wait. While you and I simply turn the page, moving effortlessly from the end of the Old Testament promises to the opening of Matthew's Gospel, it wasn't quite that easy. Four hundred years of silence spanned the gap between the final prophecies spoken in Malachi (the last Old Testament book) and the birth of Christ."

I love that. And gosh, what a good reminder that we're so used to just flipping the page to reach the end of the story, but the truth is there was a lot of waiting in the middle. I can really resonate with the idea of waiting and sitting in silence. I can only imagine what the Israelites must have felt... waiting on all of these promises. All of their prophets dead and gone. This God was the God of their grandfathers... was He still their God? All too often, I can identify with the Israelites, particularly with their weaknesses. I'll be the first to admit that I would have been one of those quietly, internally asking, begging God to show up, to prove himself, to not allow another generation to die while waiting. Because that's the truth of the story... God's people died while waiting for Him to fulfill his promises. It's kind of a theme in the Old Testament... Moses, the guy who led the Lord's people out of slavery died before reaching the promised land. It was Joshua who completed the task and brought God's promise to fulfillment. Waiting is most certainly a continuous theme throughout the Bible. And this season of Advent is all about waiting, often in silence.

I think the interesting thing to note, is that there was no lead up to the birth of Christ. I mean other than a star and some angels it just happened. The whole nation wasn't awaiting a specific date and time. It was just another day, a day with a promise that might not come to pass for another 400 years. It was a day like any other. The fulfillment of the promise didn't come with lights and sirens and announcements that IT WILL HAPPEN ON THIS DAY. The month before everything changed, the people just thought it was any ol' month. Just another day, you know? Somehow that's encouraging. Last year there was just so much hope for me. IVF was supposed to be the answer to two years of infertility treatments, to months and months of saving. It was supposed to be the key to my October Baby. There was just so much hope and anticipation at this time last year. But this year, we're not matched, we're not funded we're just waiting. We certainly hope that 2015 will be the year we meet Baby Greavu, but there is less hope and certainly less urgency now than this time last year. So it's nice to remember that Bethlehem wasn't ablaze in light. There were no parties. No fanfare. The song is called "Silent Night" not, "Tumultuous, Exuberant, Expected Night." No one was waiting for the arrival of Mary and Joseph. And yet they came. Despite the lack of attention, despite the lack of rising action leading to the climax of the story, the promise was fulfilled. There is comfort in recognizing that though it feels like nothing is happening right now, we could be a few months or even weeks away from the climax of our own story. Just because we can't see it, just because we're not aware of it, the moment we're all waiting for could be just around the corner.

I know that Christmas, and really just the holidays in general, can be hard for so many. I'm certainly one who can identify with melancholy feelings each Christmas... we just want the day to be SO BIG and perfect with the family in matching PJs, and perpetually hot cups of cocoa, and snow falling, and crackling fires, and carolers strolling the neighborhood, and peace and rest and happiness... the day can often never live up to our expectations. The holidays are also hard for so many who are missing a loved one, mourning the passing of a mom or husband or child... days and seasons like this often bring the hard stuff to the surface. For me, this is the fourth Christmas of wishing for a bump or a baby. It's hard. Any infertile couple will tell you that the holidays just make it that much harder. So much of every holiday centers around children, and often our most favorite holiday memories are from when we were a child. The holidays just have a way of bringing forth the sadness and longing that we all feel. But I hope we can all extend ourselves and one another a little bit of grace. The season can be hard, but take heart. We are not the first to wait and long for tomorrow. And your day may be just around the corner and you'll look back thinking "if only I'd known what was coming."

Peace and Blessings, friends. Merry Christmas to all of my sweet friends who find their homes filled for the first time with their heart's greatest desire this year. And for those of you longing, hurting, hoping, I'm abiding with you as always. May the conclusion to your season of waiting be just around the corner. Merry Christmas, sweet friends.