We went house hunting for the second time with our realtor (and friend) the day after the negative beta from the FET. It was pretty fortunate timing really. For one, I was forced to get up and get out of bed on a day I would have chosen to eat my weight in Ben & Jerry's. Secondly, the recent failure of the FET reminded me that our family will most likely cost thousands upon thousands of dollars; we need margin in our budget. If that first beta had been a good strong number, I can see how I might have argued for stretching breaking the "do not cross line". But as the reminder of our infertility was fresh in my mind, I was looking for under budget... top priority.
I write all of that to say, I didn't go into this house with images of a nursery in my head. Sure, I'm always hoping we'll bring a baby home, but I wasn't imagining kids playing in the front yard the day we picked our house. Rather, I was looking for a home that we liked, that fulfilled at least half of our wish list (we are big dreamers), and that a social worker wouldn't run away screaming from a home study in the future. But there's something about the permanence of owning your own home that makes the room call to you. Maybe it has nothing to do with who owns the property... I think it's probably all about knowing that we will live in that house for years. We've never really had that before. We've been married for four years and this is our fifth move, things were never permanent enough to imagine a nursery. I mean, obviously if we had had a baby at any of the previous places, we would have created a room for the baby, but none of those places had a room for the baby. There's a difference. Now, there's the master, the guest bedroom, and THE room.
I jokingly asked Sam which room would be the nursery... You know, we wouldn't want to set up a guest room only to get pregnant and be forced to move it all around (the horror). He gave a rational explanation that had nothing to do with a nursery and everything to do with the guest bedroom... again, not thinking about nurseries at all. But now that we've said it, now that the rooms have names, the room haunts me. I can't walk in without thinking about it: this would be his/her room. My child has laid claim to a room in a house I've only slept in for five nights, and he/she hasn't even been conceived.
I did something I haven't done in years... I logged on to Pinterest and looked at my Board O' Nursery Dreams. Ughhhh... the pain, the horror. I have absolutely no idea where this need came from, but I just had to check... I think it was the picking of paint colors. If I learned anything from my mom growing up, it's that paint colors have to blend from one room to the next (she was a bit ridiculous in her zealousness).... I think I just wanted to imagine the blend. The sad news is that nursery bedding changes on the fly... I don't think one single piece of carefully chosen bedding is still available today. Pottery Barn's designers do not await the infertile woman, no, no, they have to change it so that each. and. every. kid. in the house of six under the age of seven can have a different crib/quilt/sheet/blankie/shower-towel-wrap-thing. By the time a child fills that room, today's trends will be old news, and everything I pinned circa 2011 will be history. And that's okay... Lord knows the designers do a fabulous job of making me need ALL. THE. THINGS. If I feel this way when I don't even have a baby, I'm pretty sure I'll be able to find something I like enough to create a nursery, I mean, if I'm forced to.
I don't really know what to do with the room. My heart wants to keep it 100% empty... a way of saying this is yours, we're waiting for you, come fill this space. My head says that's too sad and miserable. And dumb... why not use the space for now? If and when there actually is a small human to fill that room, we can move things around again, right? No shame in saying while we're waiting we're going to use what is ours. I can't decide.
Meanwhile, if you come by our happy home, I'll be more that excited to show off the master bedroom, and hopefully I'll get that guest bedroom put together soon, but that other one, the one with the door closed... don't ask. It's either filled with storage (boring) or it's empty. Either way, it's a time capsule of sorts... the Lord willing, we'll unseal it some day.
*I completely recognize that my haunting is much less severe than others... my room is empty, which is far less painful than an actual nursery, created for a particular someone, but remains empty. That is a pain I still can't imagine. My heart breaks for you if you have one of those rooms.
I did something I haven't done in years... I logged on to Pinterest and looked at my Board O' Nursery Dreams. Ughhhh... the pain, the horror. I have absolutely no idea where this need came from, but I just had to check... I think it was the picking of paint colors. If I learned anything from my mom growing up, it's that paint colors have to blend from one room to the next (she was a bit ridiculous in her zealousness).... I think I just wanted to imagine the blend. The sad news is that nursery bedding changes on the fly... I don't think one single piece of carefully chosen bedding is still available today. Pottery Barn's designers do not await the infertile woman, no, no, they have to change it so that each. and. every. kid. in the house of six under the age of seven can have a different crib/quilt/sheet/blankie/shower-towel-wrap-thing. By the time a child fills that room, today's trends will be old news, and everything I pinned circa 2011 will be history. And that's okay... Lord knows the designers do a fabulous job of making me need ALL. THE. THINGS. If I feel this way when I don't even have a baby, I'm pretty sure I'll be able to find something I like enough to create a nursery, I mean, if I'm forced to.
I don't really know what to do with the room. My heart wants to keep it 100% empty... a way of saying this is yours, we're waiting for you, come fill this space. My head says that's too sad and miserable. And dumb... why not use the space for now? If and when there actually is a small human to fill that room, we can move things around again, right? No shame in saying while we're waiting we're going to use what is ours. I can't decide.
Meanwhile, if you come by our happy home, I'll be more that excited to show off the master bedroom, and hopefully I'll get that guest bedroom put together soon, but that other one, the one with the door closed... don't ask. It's either filled with storage (boring) or it's empty. Either way, it's a time capsule of sorts... the Lord willing, we'll unseal it some day.
*I completely recognize that my haunting is much less severe than others... my room is empty, which is far less painful than an actual nursery, created for a particular someone, but remains empty. That is a pain I still can't imagine. My heart breaks for you if you have one of those rooms.
I never really thought about it this way before. Like you, in the time my husband and I have been together, a little over 4 years, we have moved 4 times and still don't have a place we own. Even if we were to have a baby where we live now there isn't a room available but I know we would make room. I imagine in another year we will buy a place of our own and what if we still don't have a child yet, will I look at "that room" the same way?
ReplyDeleteOh the nursery.... It's so hard, isn't it? We had a bed in ours - it became an extra guest room that no one used. I would blow dry my hair in there every morning while sitting on the bed daydreaming. It was the worst. BUT, it can also be a little sweet to have a space where only you can actually SEE your dreams in that room. Love you, friend!
ReplyDeleteMine sits empty, with the door closed. On good days I can find hope in that empty room. On bad days it a stab in the heart to have to walk past it.
ReplyDeleteTHIS. Ditto. Ours was empty for maybe two and a half years, now it's been a half-completed nursery with half-completed dreams for another couple years...and it's sucky. I should have just used it for something. Better to have to get rid of the furniture later than have it be such a constant reminder for so many years...
DeleteOurs was an office but I still walked by and imagined where everything would go, the wall color, giggles coming from inside the door. It is so hard. Prayers friend....
ReplyDeleteWe have a second guest room with nothing in it but a futon because we started to sell the furniture that was there when I was 6.5 months pregnant... before we lost our little girl. Every time I go in there, I think "L would be X months old and I should be coming in here to pick her up." It breaks my heart. But... we have to keep the faith that someday the room will belong to a wonderful little person.
ReplyDeleteYou might not feel like you want to do this, but why not take a step of faith, keep the door open and go in there and spend some time - whether it's praying or decorating it's up to! God rewards obedience! He calls us to walk by faith!!! If you aren't yet there, then you can ignore this :)
ReplyDeleteSo well said. I know that room will be filled with a smiling, happy baby one of these days. What a special place "that room" will be. Then we can look back on this post and see how far you've coming. Dreaming of that day for you, my friend. xoxo
ReplyDeleteThis was a great post, Amanda. The would-be nursery truly is such a haunting space. In our rent house, we had a room picked out for the nursery and after the miscarriage I found that I hated even going upstairs. We had it set up as an office but pretty much never went in there. I hope you will be able to fill that space with love and happiness soon.
ReplyDeleteOur second room has been empty for years. Instead I turned it into a storage area and a make up room. Now that we actually have use for it, i have to find places for all of the crap we've accumulated! I will also miss having a vanity to sit down and do my primping at. LOL I say, try to turn it into something instead of leaving it empty and feeling sad about it.
ReplyDeleteOur room is terrible. The previous owners of our house had a six month old when they moved out, and his room had a jungle theme. There's still a huge (I mean HUGE) monkey decal on one wall. And those are a pain to remove. We use the room sparingly for extra storage (junk), and we call it "The Monkey Room." It's obvious intent is a nursery, so I've been hesitant to fill it with anything else. I hate that room.
ReplyDeleteOh Amanda I can relate. Our "nursery" then "jude and Brinly's room" went back to guest room/storage room. I try not to think about it too much but it's there. :) Love to you!
ReplyDeleteIt's hard to have "that" room isn't it? We actually had to get rid of the guest room with the buddy came along, but I still never really went in there because it was hard knowing that it was painted for a future nursery. :/
ReplyDeleteUgh, I have one of those rooms, too. We bought the house a month before we started TTC and designated it as the baby room. Over 2 years later it's a messy storage room. I have friends who went and bought a crib out of faith and a month later got a call to adopt a baby boy. But I'm too scared to take a leap and do something like that. I'm afraid it will just sit there and mock me cycle after cycle. I keep the door closed all the time and I hate going in there. Such a relatable post. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteThis is a perfect post. So relatable, but not something that is talked about a lot. We moved into our house almost three years ago, and that room is still a storage room that we have never cleaned out and given a purpose--simply because we are waiting to transform it into a nursery.
ReplyDeleteWe've owned our first home for almost 6 years. Just before purchasing our home, we got a deal on some nursery furniture so we bought it (right before we started trying). That furniture has been donated for years now and the "nursery" is still a junk room. But every time I give a tour of my house, I can't help but still say "this will be the nursery some day". Try not to give up hope my friend!
ReplyDeleteSweet friend. I pray The Room brings you very little burden when you pass it and - rather - brings you hope for so much joy that is to come ... xoxoxo ....
ReplyDeleteI feel like we are living such parallel lives. From picking out a house that will allow room in the budget for treatments and/or adoption, to closing a day apart from each other...to The Room. I even I had thoughts about what needs to change in our new abode if we are going to pass a home study. Seriously! Get out of my head, girl. ;) Just kidding. It's nice to know there is someone else going through the same thing as me at the same time. I just wish you lived closer so I could grab a cup of coffee with you, and chat about it all. Do you mind if I share this post on my blog's FB page? Feel free to email me at jbabyrags@gmail.com to let me know...or respond to this comment via email. Thanks. Thinking of you. :)
ReplyDeleteOh. And I forgot to mention. Our use for The Room is opening up to a friend at the end of the summer who needs a place to crash indefinitely. We will be charging her a couple hundred a month, and it will all go toward us bringing a baby home. I feel like our future kid will think that's pretty cool.
DeleteAfter four years of living in our house, our "room" was still filled with boxes of stuff, chairs that didn't fit anywhere else, and extra clothes. Our cats had their litter box in there & they were the only ones to spend time in there, so we started calling it the "Cat's Room." I always knew it was the nursery though. I never put the stuff away or fixed it up, hoping it would one day be the nursery. When we actually needed a nursery, my husband said "have you put any thought into which room we should have be the nursery?" Hahaha. Yes, I had it pegged for years.
ReplyDeleteThat Room will be your baby's room one day. Just wait and see :)
This place is not ours, but we picked a 2BR to have space for guests, and to turn it into a nursery sooner rather than later. It was painful to see it empty most of the time, but the hardest was after we came back from the hospital and knew it wasn't going to be A&C's room after all... I spent months thinking about the should-have-beens whenever I looked through the door. Now I'm hoping it'll be Strawberry Baby's room come November, and I hope that your new (and much more beautifully painted!) room will be home to a little one soon, too!
ReplyDeleteSo happy I found your blog through Amateur Nester. Sbscribed now. Our heading pic on our blogs is very similar! http://megandewitt.blogspot.com/
ReplyDeleteSo thankful to have stumbled upon your blog. Thank you for this post!
ReplyDelete