Are You There God? It's Me, Amanda.

Judy Blume has become a fixture in American households because of her book Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret. Sure, it's a book about an adolescent girl dealing with puberty, but it's also the story of a young woman learning how to talk with God... even trying to figure out who God is... and maybe most importantly, if He's listening. I think girl, boy, 10, 25, 50, or 90 we can all relate to that. Is there a God? And if there is, does He care about us? Does He hear when we pray?

I've admitted before that infertility has, at times, dealt my faith a blow or two. Not so much that I doubt the existence of God. No, I fully believe in God. My struggles have most often centered around prayer. I've obviously prayed and prayed for a child, for a miraculous natural conception, for a successful treatment... I've prayed for a child in every way I can think of. When you've prayed for one thing for so long, I think it's only natural to wonder if you're doing it right. I will certainly admit that I've questioned prayer and its role in my relationship with the Lord. I've wondered things like: Is He ignoring my requests? Denying my requests? Can prayer change His mind? Should I want to change the mind of God? Does praying change anything (other than me)?

I think just about everyone has prayed for something at one time or another and failed to see or hear a response. This is certainly not specific to infertility... these questions and musings were floating around in my head long before I'd ever heard the word Clomid. But I guess infertility, for me, has been the first thing that I've continuously prayed over for months upon months upon months, and yet all I hear is stone cold silence. After all this time, I've begun to preface every prayer with, "You already know this, but..." or "I've already asked for this, but..." or "You're going to do what you want anyway, but..." It feels as if the words have all been said in every way that they can be said, and yet, here I sit. Is He listening? Does my opinion matter? Will anything I say change His plans?

And it's certainly not just prayers for myself. It's prayers for others too. I cried and begged and fell on my knees when I heard about Suzanne's miracle last summer. I bargained and pleaded and begged, but Suzanne still lost that miracle. And Holly, oh Holly. We all cried out with a giant shout, "SAVE THEM!" We knew it was unlikely and we didn't care. As a community, we prayed for something to be done, but Jude and Brinly both entered Heaven despite our requests.  At the end of circumstances like that, when prayers go unanswered, I think it's only natural to wonder if prayer is actually making any difference. Are we just wasting our words?

And what about cancer, and disease, and death? I think most people would say that cancer or some other terrible disease has affected someone they love. There's been someone that we asked for the Lord to spare. There's been a family member or a friend that we begged God to give more time. We've all tried to bargain with God. When that person is healed, when we hear that coveted "cured" or "cancer free," we swear that God is good and that prayer works. But when things go differently, when little boys die from brain tumors, when our mothers die from breast cancer, when we sit night after night by the bed of a loved one, it can seem as if God is intentionally ignoring us. What harm could come from sparing a child's life? Why would He not want to perform a miracle?

It should be really apparent from the above, that I don't have the answers.... not by a long shot. I've read scriptures and at one time or another tried just about every approach. I've gone the way of Jacob: I've prayed, and cried, and wailed and told God that I'm not moving, I'm not letting go until He's blessed me. I've mirrored the prayers of Jesus: I've asked the Lord to change His mind, but ultimately agreed that His ways are higher than mine. I've asked for more faith… admitting that I am week and my faith is insufficient. In opposition, I've declared that I at least have faith as small as a mustard seed... claiming the power to move mountains. I've said it all in every way that it can be said.

I guess you could sum up my current thoughts on prayer like this:

He is God and I am not. I can ask, but I've asked before, so I'll probably get the same answer (or lack of answer). And that's okay, because He is God and I am not. It doesn't detract from His goodness or His power. It simply means that He's not a genie. I don't have to agree with it or understand it because I do believe that His ways are not my ways (obviously) and that His ultimate goal is to shine a great big spotlight on Himself… that doesn't make Him a jerk or a narcissist. It's His right as God. 

Okay, so I do think that most of that is true, but what about all the verses like "Pray without ceasing" (1 Thess 5:17) or "let your requests be made known to God" (Phil 4:6)? The Bible is full of exhortations to pray. I can't deny that at all. Why would God demand that I pray, particularly if He's going to continue doing whatever it is He's doing no matter what? I had too many questions, so I started reading a book, Prayer: Does it Make a Difference? several months ago. I've enjoyed it (despite being a slow read) because the author, Philip Yancey, comes right out of the gate and says prayer has been a stumbling block in his own faith for years... if you can admit that within the Christian community, especially as a writer and speaker, then you're my kind of guy. I haven't finished the book yet, but I wanted to share some of the things I've learned or bits that helped clarify things for me.

Pray for others: Jesus spent little time praying for himself, rather His prayers centered around the people he encountered.

Prayer has changed the actions of God: Yancey says that there are four separate times in the Old Testament that prayer changed God's actions.

Prayer + Action: Prayer does not negate the need for action. Jesus spent long hours in prayer AND long hours meeting human needs. Likewise, praying doesn't remove our burden to act.

Unanswered Prayers: Jesus, though fully God, experienced the human aspect of prayer… He too had unanswered prayers.

Expectations of Prayer: Prayer is like sex: both are intimate and over-glamorized relationships. We are led to believe that we should be in the stratosphere in sex and in prayer, but in reality most people are unsatisfied with both.

Despite reading this book, I still don't have it all figured out... not by a long shot. I'm still wrestling. If "God works for the good of those who love him," then I'm still trying to understand how a child isn't good for us. I'm still working through my feelings. I'm still trying to find a way forward even if my prayers are never answered. My prayer life has a ways to go for sure. I still find myself saying "are you there God? It's me, and I need you." But the following excerpt from the book is something that struck me while reading and that I continue to cling to. I hope it gives you peace and hope in your prayers as well.

Even when we do not know what we ought to pray for, or how to pray, that Spirit intercedes for us: 'And He who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will'. Christ's Spirit is praying within us even when we lack both the wisdom and the words for prayer. Although we may not know God's will on a given issue, the Spirit within us surely does. In other words, our most immature prayers have an inbuilt self-corrective. Though we feel ignorant in our prayers, the Spirit does not. Though we feel exhausted and confused the Spirit does not. Though we feel lacking in faith, the Spirit does not. God is not so far off that we need to raise our voices to be heard. We need only groan.

Likewise, I was recently reminded that God is at work despite my lack of faith. Though I am struggling with prayer, others around me are not, and they are interceding on my behalf. When I am weak, The Lord is orchestrating strength in my life. Not only does the Holy Spirit groan with me, but others speak the words when I cannot... that is a beautiful thing, my friends. To those of you who have lifted Sam and I in prayer over the years, thank you for standing in the gap.