From day one, I have rallied behind other trying to conceivers (not a word, I know). I remember when I first came out of the proverbial TTC closet only to find that there were, in fact, others like me. When the first pregnancy announcement came from one of those girls, I couldn't have been more excited! And as time has gone on, many of these women have come to be my friends, so I am trilled when they get good news! I have always been excited for those ladies who have been in the trenches fighting for a baby. I have never been upset about a pregnancy announcement from one of them. To me, it has always been a victory, a point for our team, if you will. "Take that infertility"… I have literally thought as I read the announcements. Today, I didn't have that reaction. Today, I cried and I hate that about myself. I hate that the accomplishment of another woman, a woman who I know has fought for a child just like me, would bring anything but joy to mind.
As I sat there with tears in my eyes, I tried to figure out where this icky emotion was coming from, and what exactly was it. Jealousy? Yea, I guess that's part of it. But I've been jealous before, and yet still happy for the woman. So what else was going on? Is is fear of getting left behind? Of being the last of all my friends, even the infertile ones to get pregnant? Maybe a tiny bit, but that's not a new fear. Something has changed. After pondering this change for a while, I think I finally settled on the root of the issue. The issue is this: I don't get pregnant, like ever.
Sometimes it feels like the TTC world is divided into two: those who can't conceive, and those who conceive, but experience reoccurring pregnancy loss. I have never compared the two. I have never wished to be in one camp over the other. They both suck. There are terrible things about being in both. I'm not here to make an argument for one over the other. This isn't a "my pain is worse than your pain" kind of deal. But essentially, today I think I realized that I don't get pregnant… ever.
Stay with me here, there is an explanation coming, I promise. I see other infertile women become pregnant, some of them have PCOS, some of them have DOR, some of them have Endometriosis, and others have POF, and yet, they get pregnant. But here I sit, with none of those things, and yet, I don't get pregnant, ever. See where this is going? If women with PCOS, DOR, Endo, and POF get pregnant, then I must have something worse than those things. The longer I sit in this place of negative after negative, failed IUI after failed IUI, I am forced to come to terms with the fact that we are not "sub-fertile" (the phrase my first RE used), no we are definitely infertile, in fact we may just be super infertile. I guess the longer I sit in this place of never seeing two pink lines, I A- forget what they looked like and B-wonder if IVF can even fix it.
You see, I've been assured that IVF "was made for people like me", that I will respond well to the medicine, and that we should expect great results. But the truth of the matter is, we have absolutely no idea what is wrong, or what causes our infertility, so it seems like a distinct possibility that IVF won't fix it. If you don't know the problem, how do you find the solution, you know? In the world of infertility, IVF is the solution to all problems, except, what if it's not? When we originally started on this journey I was assured that I wouldn't need IVF, but if we did, we would be great candidates because A- "you're so young" and B- "you have lots of eggs". But I can't help but wonder, if the key factors here are youth and egg quantity, doesn't it seem like we would have at least been pregnant once in the last two years? An early miscarriage, I could understand, I'm infertile after all, but to literally have never even conceived in the last two years is kind of mind boggling if all it takes is youth and eggs. I'm not saying that I want to miscarry; I'm not saying that at all. But it just seems to me that if I have so much going for me, if IVF is bound to work, then sperm and egg would have at least hooked up once successfully in the last two years, right? I guess I'm slowly preparing myself for IVF, and the fact that no amount of promises from the doctors guarantees us good results. I'm slowly wrapping my head around the idea that yes, we might leave the retrieval with good news, "20 eggs: go me!", but hours later we could hear that nothing fertilized, or days later we could hear that they all stopped growing... essentially, we have no proof that we even can conceive.
"I thought you miscarried," you say. "Obviously, you conceived," you say... you're right. At least, I think you're right. Some days I'm not too sure of anything. If we did conceive (which most days, I think we did) it was two years ago this month (happy anniversary to me). I did actually see "Pregnant" on the test, but I have never, ever, not once had a positive beta, so my medical records always list an "unconfirmed pregnancy". So I guess today, the feelings that snuck up on me center around the fact that some days it feels like just about everybody gets pregnant, they may not make it across the finish line, but they at least start the race. In the mean time, I'm still trying to register and find the starting line.
For those of you who have experienced loss after loss, I'm not in anyway suggesting that your pain is less, or that your situation is better than mine. Reoccurring pregnancy loss is terrible... I don't want to experience that for one second. But I guess, I wish I knew if our parts could even create life... do we have a fighting chance at this? But there's no way to know until we get there. So on we march... less than three weeks until the appointments. So forgive me for my episode today. Infertility kind of sneaks up on me sometimes. I am happy for you girls, no, I'm more than happy, I'm thrilled! You girls deserve it! Take that infertility!
Just so you know you aren't alone or crazy... 1. When I was dealing with infertility, EVERYONE'S pregnancy announcements made me mostly sad, regardless of how deserving they were or how long they had been TTC. 2. I have 1 child and another on the way, and other people's pregnancy announcements STILL make me a little sad. Anyway, my point is that whether it makes sense or not, I still think it's normal!
ReplyDeleteYep yep yep. 4.5 years and never ever a single pregnancy means that EVERY announcement hurts, even when you're excited, too. So...yeah. Boo IF.
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to tell you that you are NOT alone. I feel to same way these days. Pregnancy announcements are hard, infertile or not. xoxo
ReplyDeleteI feel you on this one. I was also in that "don't get pregnant. Ever." camp. It's a sucky place to be and pregnancy announcements for me got both easier (I got a little numb to them) and harder. Way harder. Many a blog I obsessively followed because I couldn't take my eyes off, but I started to resent those fellow infertiles who had escaped my reality, as much as I didn't want to because I genuinely cared for them. Nothing about this journey is easy. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're stuck in this dark place. I've been there. After years of trying without a remote sign of success, every pregnancy announcement is painful. We had diagnosed issues on both ends, so I can only imagine how it must be to sit and wait without even a clue to what might be wrong. And perhaps you anniversary makes it harder these days, too.
ReplyDeleteHang in there. IVF can work, even though there is no guarantee. I so much hope it will.
I hear ya! I just want to know I can get pregnant. I can't say one hurts worse than the other- because I have never been able to conceive either. It is a dark place to be sometimes. I am thinking of you and I am understand where you come from today....
ReplyDeleteHugs.
I feel terrible for saying this, but I am so sick of hearing pregnancy announcements. I'm seriously contemplating joining a bridge club (or some other old people game) with senior citizens so I don't have to worry about hearing news of pregnancies. It would also be a boost to my ego and make me feel younger. So bonus!
ReplyDeleteDon't beat yourself us for having these types of emotions! I think IF puts such an emotional toll on someone that it makes it nearly impossible to react in any sort of "normal" or "expected" way. I was in the "repeat loss" category (not the "can't get pregnant category"), and both are obviously hard. But I think the common factor for both is the loss of hope. The constant wondering and worry about "are we EVER going to bring home a baby". Saying a prayer for you that you don't lose this hope!!
ReplyDeleteI'm in my twenties and supposedly don't have infertility. The Doctors assured us the only reason we didn't conceive in the first year after marriage is because my husband has severe male factor infertility. If that were true, then why did my donor sperm IVF and IUIs not work? Sometimes I really feel like I have severe unexplained infertility. I like to believe it is because God wants me to adopt.
ReplyDeleteHang in there Amanda, this is a really tough place to be in, but I really believe we will make it through with a baby in our arms one way or another.
While I rejoice in other infertiles' victories, it does still hurt and cause plain ol' jealousy. They're now on the other side, after all. And ... it's your turn; it's BEEN your turn. I had the same fear of, "What if I can't get pregnant? I never have been, even for a moment." I don't know why IVF becomes the only option for some of us. I can't imagine your frustration with an unexplained diagnosis. Just know you're not alone; these fears are so familiar to many of us (including me). I hate this for you; I hate this for all of us. And, girl, I totally understand the discouragement of registering for the race and trying to find the start line instead of running the race toward the finish line. I was there a year ago; time will pass.
ReplyDeleteMan, I sometimes feel like you read my mind. I just had this conversation with my husband last night... it doesn't make sense that we haven't had ANY pregnancies after 6 treatments when I've been labeled with "unexplained infertility". It's terrible to admit, but I almost wish something would have come up on my endometrial biopsy back in June just so we could have some answers.
ReplyDeleteIt's natural to have your guard up, but you've always had such a great attitude and positive outlook, and I know good things are coming your way :)
Oh Amanda, you are not alone and infertile women, whether they have never been pregnant or have recurrent losses or even go on to have healthy pregnancies, understand the sting of a pregnancy announcement, they (we've) all been there. I feel them still, each time, the feeling of being left behind is spot on. It's so hard because it's all we want, all we can think about and it simply hurts.
ReplyDeleteBig hugs. You are such a strong and positive woman. I cherish the day that I read about YOUR pregnancy announcement. It will come. xo
You read my mind as well, I would like to at least know I CAN get pregnant :( Of course I would never wish a loss on myself or anyone at all.
ReplyDeleteYour feelings are perfectly normal and completely understandable. I think recurrent losses and infertility are equally heartbreaking and life-changing. The frustrating question in infertility is "why can't I get pregnant," and with recurrent loss it's "why can't I stay pregnant." Our pain comes from wanting it so badly and being painfully disappointed over and over again.
ReplyDeleteI can tell you that even with the joy of pregnancy (me being at the early, scary stages), other people's pregnancy announcements still sting. But when I read about yours, I know I'll feel nothing but joy.
I can so relate to this post! I went just about 3 years without once getting pregnant. Nada. I couldn't help but wish that there was something they could diagnosabe wrong with me, so we could at least treat it! unexplained infertility is so incredibly hard. There's nothing "wrong" but there's also nothing to "fix" which makes you wonder how medications and treatments can even work at all. But, God is bigger than all of it. :)
ReplyDeleteHi Amanda, I wanted to tell you two things:
ReplyDelete1.) I just read the post you linked to from two years ago, and from what I read, it sounds like you absolutely did conceive and had an early loss. Even though the medical industry classifies that little life as "unconfirmed," you made her and she was here on this earth for a short while. Her life was real, as was your grief after the loss; don't let anyone take that away from you.
2.) Even though we all try to be brave and congratulate friends, family, and especially fellow infertiles on pregnancy announcements, hearing that someone else has been given something you yourself so desperately want always stings. It's okay to feel jealous and it's definitely okay to cry. Please don't beat yourself up over that. If anything, I would think someone who has conceived after infertility would understand your pain completely and would not be offended by your tears but instead would want to reach out and give you a hug. This is a hard road, but you are a strong woman and I can tell you are much loved in this community. Be kind to yourself.
As always, thinking about you and lifting you up in prayer sweet friend!
ReplyDeleteU are not crazy to think the way you do. It's been 5 yrs without ever getting pregnant. So I get the feeling. IVF is a scary journey but u never know the outcome unless u go through it.
ReplyDeleteYour are not alone in your thoughts. As happy as I truly am for friends when they tell me they are pregnant, I can't help but get a pit in my stomach and I think it's mostly fear of feeling like I'm the only person on earth unable to conceive. I have never ever once been pregnant, not even a trace of hcg in my system. I have a feeling you were pregnant if you had a positive test.....hang in there, you still have so many things to try to get you the baby you desire. xoxo
ReplyDeleteThank you for being open enough to admit your true feelings on this. I have never been shy about it either. I have stopped visiting online forums because I did become that LAST ONE standing of the women I connected with two years ago. They are all pregnant or have already delivered, and yes it's depressing.
ReplyDeleteI don't blame you for wanting to know that you can at least become pregnant. While I hate hearing the comment, "Well at least you know it CAN happen" I still do cling to that statement when I have lost all hope. However, I also do know women who were just like you....never a single pregnancy in years of trying and yet they were successful with IVF.
The grass is definitely not greener on the miscarriage side, esp. when it's combined with infertility where there is a year or more in between each miscarriage. It's just a big fat time suck that draws out the infertility even longer with the recovery involved. You are right, it's not easy no matter what.
Don't beat yourself up about your feelings to that pregnancy announcement. You are so honest and open about your feelings which is so refreshing. Those feeling come up for all of us...sometimes when you least expect it. I know how hard it is to come to terms with IVF. In my opinion, it all boils down to this...the doctors are trying to be optimistic and IVF may not work for you (despite your youth and egg quality). BUT...you have to try it and hope for the best. What other choice do we have? And many times IVF helps determine problems that can't be diagnosed any other way - poor egg quality, fertilization problems, implantation issues. Thinking of you as you grapple with these tough thoughts. Hugs!
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