The Reason

From reading the comments on my last post, I think it's pretty clear that we all look for meaning in our lives, particularly meaning for the bad stuff. This is probably true of all people (I know I've been guilty my whole life, even before infertility), but I know it's definitely true of most of my infertile friends. Ughhh. It broke my heart to hear how many women have assumed or wondered if infertility was a part of their lives because they weren't "good enough" or deserving of a child. Man, we're really, really hard on ourselves sometimes.

I'll be really honest and say that I don't know why infertility is a part of my story, and yes, I really want to know. I've questioned everything. Looked down every rabbit hole. Examined my life under a magnifying glass, but I've yet to find the thing. The reason. I'm thinking the same can probably be said for you. You've looked at your life and said "this", this thing, this past regret, this sin is the reason I'm infertile. God is punishing me. Only five minutes later you're confronted with someone with whom you have intimate knowledge of a similar "this" and yet, she is pregnant. And so your theory falls apart. You continue on your quest for the reason. If infertility is not your thing, I'll bet there's something in your life currently, or something in your past that youve asked why, why you had to walk this road, why this is a part of your story. 

You guys, I don't have the answers. I don't know enough theology to even begin to tackle this one. This is one of those things that I've just decided to carry with me. There is a whole slew of questions that I want answers to, but I've slowly come to recognize that my faith isn't about having all the answers, so I'll just strap my questions, my issues with the Bible, my "but what about the dinosaurs?" on my back and carry them with me. And I really, really hope there's a Q&A session with the Big Man once I get to heaven.

But there is one thing that I really, really believe, and it is this: whether infertility is a part of your story because of genetics, because of lifestyle choices, because of sin, because of age, or even if there is no explainable reason at all, the Lord can use it for His glory. Believe me, in my darkest moments, heck in my sort of dim moments, I try to explain to God that there are other ways for Him to be glorified... this isn't the way I would choose to bring Him glory. But regardless, I find comfort knowing that He will bring purpose to this part of our story, that he will make something good of circumstances that feel so bad.

When I think about Biblical characters who were worse off then me (so... like most of them?) I always think of Job.... I don't want to be Job. But I was recently reminded of the story of the blind man. In John chapter 9, John tells us that Jesus and his disciples came across a man who had been blind since birth. He writes, "His disciples asked him, 'Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?'". You see, His disciples were just as confused as we are. They saw a man with unfortunate circumstances and they immediately decided one of two things: either the man sinned, and thus deserved this punishment, or his parents sinned, and well, it was a different time, but I guess they thought that was understandable too. Jesus' responds saying, "this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him". And then He healed him. Boom! Can you imagine? I don't know if I'm going to have a boom moment of my own... I'm ready and willing... but healing isn't the only way that the Lord can use my story. But I think the take away here for us, is less about the healing (thought that was darn cool) and more about his response to the question why... it's not about the cause, it's about the purpose.

One of my favorite blog friends shared a newsletter that she receives with me over the weekend. It spoke far more eloquently on this topic than I ever could. I think this pretty much sums it all up though: "'Why' is not always a bad question--there are plenty of times when faithful people in the Bible faced suffering and asked 'Why?' But too often, such questions miss the point. We are looking for the cause of our pain, but instead, Jesus points to the purpose." Don't get me wrong, I'm still looking for the cause, I hate the diagnosis of unexplained infertility more than you know. Medically, we have yet to find a reason that in 25 cycles, we have gotten pregnant once, for half a second... and all too often it feels like there is no reason other than the Lord said "no". But I try to remember that there is purpose for all of that, one that I may never see, but I just have to trust that He is at work. And while He is at work, I have to trust that His plan is ultimately for my good.

There are far more days than I care to admit in which I would choose Amanda's plan over God's plan. Amanda's plan doesn't include infertility. It includes lots, and lots of babies. In Amanda's plan, I'm wrapping up with baby number 3, and we are confident that we can squeeze in two more before I'm 30. Yea, there are lots of babies in Amanda's plan. And His plan is so long, seems so wasteful, is filled with so much pain... it's really hard to say "I choose Your plan". On days when I'm filled with anxiety over the waste, over the years spent stalled out here in the middle, over the financial burden on our family, I like to go back and read Erika's post (so good you guys). She says, "That's the heart of our God. He longs to restore to us. To redeem. To repay. He doesn't always stop the plague of locusts. He could. I don't know why He doesn't. But sometimes the locusts still come, and their destruction is vast. And God says I will redeem that. The locusts will not have the final word. Those years will not be forgotten. Our God is so, so good-- and he longs to restore whatever has been stolen from you". See what I mean? So good.

I think if our God could say one thing to us today, as we sit her looking for the reason, as we examine our choices, compare ourselves to others, or question our worthiness, I think He would say this: "Trust Me. I am at work. There is a purpose for your pain. And I see your pain, I do not ignore the pain of my children. I am at work, and I will redeem even this". Hang in there you guys. I don't know why you're here, why you're stuck in this place, but my infertile friends, I guarantee you, it has absolutely nothing to do with being "good enough" or being worthy of a child. I don't know what the reason is, but I promise you, it's not that. There is a greater purpose for your story.