Floundering

I'm kind of uninspired to write at this present time. I'll admit that the whole job search is kind of cramping my style. When doing a google search on my husband, a top find is this here blog. So I don't feel at liberty to discuss too openly what our thoughts or feelings are on each job opportunity, or moving, or any of it. Just know that no decisions have been made, and well, I'll tell you as soon as possible what the future may hold for us.

In the mean time, I'm waiting, rather impatiently I might add, but since when was I a patient waiter? Which is a good segue into the actual topic today. First of all, if you haven't read Erika's guest post today, go do it. She's AWESOME as always. She knocked it out of the park, and totally represented all infertile ladies beautifully in a somewhat delicate situation (a blog-o-thon on motherhood).

Erika really got me thinking. That part where she describes what her twenties looked like. The waiting for her life to get better, for it to have a purpose. The fact that her twenties looked a lot like most toddlers' terrible two's. All of that, I currently resonate so much with. Just like she said, I keep waiting for Infertility to be a footnote. Believe me, it will always be a huge part of my story, but can't it be part of the background history needed to understand me, and not the main event?

I started thinking about how I'm floundering so much in the midst of all of this mess. I'm in the middle of so many uncertainties. Where will we live? How much will we have to live on? Will I get a job?(soon? ever?) Which doctor should we go with? How will we afford IVF? What if IVF fails? Will we ever have kids? How will we EVER afford to pay for all of this? You see? I feel like NOTHING is certain! For free spirits this might sound lovely, but for my type A personality who plans EVERYTHING, this totally sucks.

And that's when it hit me. I'm floundering because I'm not planning anything. Beyond what to do today, I don't have a single plan. I think I'm too scared to plan. I heard recently a phrase, I'm sure it's been around forever, but it totally resonated with me. "We make plans, and God laughs." I don't' take this as proof that God is sadistic or mean spirited. To me it references the fact that my story is a mere sentence in the one He is writing. It's also come to represent to me that planning is fruitless. Whether that's good or bad, it's my current take on life.

Here, have a look at "The Plan"

1. 22 yrs old- get married (behind, got married at 24.5)
2. 23 yrs old- have first baby (scratch, got engaged)
3. 25 yrs old- have baby #2 (nope, just got married, husband's in PT school)
4. 27 yrs old- have baby #3 (not happening)
5. 28 yrs old- have baby #4 I should a pro by now, plus if we want 5, we've got to squeeze it in by 30, you know?
6. 29 yrs old- decide to have baby #5 or adopt, proceed with decision
7. 33 yrs old- regardless of decision, peruse international adoption

In addition to that plan were the plans like:

1. Work full time as a graphic designer
2. Transition to part time to stay home with kids, maybe work from home
3. Help husband open his own PT clinic
4. Move to Colorado

And well, you get the idea, not one item on "The Plan" worked out, or will work out the way I wanted. Planning is fruitless. Instead, I'm kind of waiting for life to happen and then reacting to the changes. It's moved me from the driver's seat to the backseat. While that's good in a lot of ways, it's not so hot in others. I'm not handling my backseat spot with a lot of grace, in fact, sometimes I feel like I'm in the truck. I'm blind to where we are going, we stop, I get out, and then I have to react to the situation or circumstances around me.

I'm hopeful that this is a just a season of life. While I do think that there are valid lessons to be learned about making plans, I don't want to spend my whole life it the trunk. I want to be an active being in my life, not just watching it pass me by. I'm hopeful that in the next few months at least SOMETHING will be decided. Maybe we will know where we are going to live. Maybe one answer will then answer some of the other questions. Maybe it'll be kind of like dominoes, knock one little block down and… voila, made it out of that! In the mean time, I'll just stay here patiently impatiently waiting and hashing out the merits of acting like a two year old (which if you read Alison's blog, you know means throwing objects, hitting, screaming, biting, and subbing things like "Elmo" and "airplane" for expletives). This has potential!