How Did We Get Here?

There's a soundtrack in my head these days:

"How did we get here? How the hell, pan left, close up on my empty uterus, still nothing there."

This little song of mine is to the tune of Halloween from one of my all time favorite musicals, Rent. I know, I know, I'm a mess. But sometimes, the only thing you can do with infertility is laugh (or sing songs).

But seriously, how did we get here? A year ago, I thought, "hmm, well it'll just take a little time". Then there was my one and only BFP (for a day). The doctors assured me that this was NOT a sign of infertility, but probably some unknown chromosomal issue. Just nature taking care of itself. HAHAHA! While that is still a possibility, it seems more likely that my little girl was perfect in every way (she has fabulous parents after all), but that this gal, with the broken uterus, the thin lining, and the crappy progesterone levels, well, she just couldn't get it together enough to hold on to that precious life. (Anybody else thinking, "baby killer"? It's okay, I am too.)

But a year ago, I clung to my doctors "get out of jail free pass", and believed that it was her not me. When nothing happened after a few more months, we decided to start treatment: mild treatment. I say mild now, at the time, going on Clomid seemed like one of the biggest life decisions. HAHAHAHA! Going to an RE was our next step, but it wasn't really a conscious decision like, "well we need the big guns now", but more of an issue that starting treatment again after the cysts correlated with moving from Augusta. I thought, "it's dumb to get a new OB/GYN and go through all this mess again only to be referred to an RE, at which point we would have to go through all of this mess a third time. Just skip the middle man." 

But it seems that moving to an RE, really is "bringing out the big guns", thought I'm not sure why. I suddenly realize that I am two to four cycles away from being referred for IVF. (Acronyms are funny/annoying. I want capitalization to show my "what the hell?" feelings on IVF, but it's already capitalized, so maybe IVF, gets the point across.) Again, how did we get here? At what point did I go from a sweet (no one ever said that) young girl (the doctors did actually say that) who just can't seem to get herself properly knocked up, to an infertile, less that 10% chance of pregnancy, going to spend a billion dollars on a baby, crazy old lady? Where was the line I crossed, because I'd like to go back and hop back over it.

There's still a chance that this fertility challenged twenty-six year old can get herself knocked up, it won't be proper by any means, but it's possible. I say not proper, because paying $400 to lie on a table with my legs in stirrups, while some unknown lady attempts said knocking up with a syringe and a catheter is not exactly how I pictured it. But, there's still a chance that this bazaar method will work. If not this cycle, then maybe in one of the other two that we are prepared to try. But if it doesn't, then I will have seriously crossed over some threshold. Not the good kind that your husband carries you over, the never to return from kind where you literally are prepared to spend THIRTY THOUSAND DOLLARS for a kid. Whoaaa! How did we get here, how the hell?

Now as you might have imagined, Sam and I, at this moment in time, do not have thirty thousand dollars, we don't even have enough for one measly IVF cycle. So the plan would be to wait (eek, ouch, painful!) until Sam gets a big boy job and starts raking in the big bucks. And lucky for me, due to some idiotic cheating scandal with the PT boards, Sam won't get to take his test until the end of JULY 2013. That means it would be a year from now. Needless to say, I've found a new purpose for that signing bonus.

So, we're here (IUI), and I have no idea how, or why, or when we got here, but oh gracious I don't want to go there (IVF). This probably explains a little bit more about my "PLEASE" prayer. But I'm serious. I can't wrap my head around doing nothing for a year! But the doctors say you are just throwing your money down the drain after three or four IUI cycles. Money that you could be saving for an IVF, which has MUCH better odds. 

I could write about this all day long (I literally have nothing better to do). About how I don't really want my child to be conceived in a petri dish, about how I'm confused with where I stand morally on the whole frozen eggs subject, about, about, about. But I'll stop for your sake. 

Happy Wednesday.