Easy Adoption

Oxymoron, right? Adoption isn't easy. In fact, it's down right hard. I often get asked if I think adoption should be easier. That's a big question encompassing a lot of possibilities because the process of adopting can be complicated by many different variables.

Sometimes the cost of adoption is the difficult part. Abba Fund, an organization providing adoption assistance, states that "33% of Americans consider adoption. 79% of those are concerned about the costs, the biggest deterrent. Less than 2% adopt." Numbers like that prove that the cost of adoption is a truly difficult piece of the adoption journey. International adoptions range in cost from about $20,000 to $50,000 depending on agency, country, and travel requirements. Domestic adoptions vary wildly in costs as there are many factors including the age of the child and whether an adoption agency or state organization is involved. An adoption of an older child from foster care can be practically free while an infant adoption via an agency can reach $60,000. Believe me, I've seen numbers like that and thought about choking. Ethical considerations swirl around the subject of expenses within adoption. What constitutes "reasonable living expenses" that can be covered for a birth mother and what crosses the line into paying for a child? It seems like it should be a very black and white, definitive line, but you'll find hundreds of opinions within the world of adoption. But if there are so many orphans in the world, shouldn't it be cheaper to adopt?

Another complicating factor of adoption is the approval process, also known as the home study. Whether adopting privately, through an agency, through foster care, or from across the world, a home study is required before a judge will finalize an adoption. The process is rigorous. Lengthy questionnaires looking for details on everything from your childhood relationships with family to your beliefs on corporal punishment must be completed. Multiple interviews with social workers take place. A literal home inspection looking at and inspecting anything and everything must occur. I've heard of some people who were required to open sock and underwear drawers and display the contents of their medicine cabinets. The home study is at best intense, and at worst, overwhelming. Some people think the process is far too invasive. I mean, if there are so many orphans in the world, shouldn't it be easier to adopt?

It's a complicated and convoluted world in adoption. Can adoption be cheaper than it often is? Absolutely. Are there unethical adoption agencies, attorneys, and birth families out there racking up huge profits off of adoption? Yes. Can the process of approving individuals and families for adoption be more efficient, intentional, and less abrasive? Definitely. Are there awful circumstances in which people get certified to adopt or foster and go on to abuse children? Yes. Is any of this easy to solve? No.

One of the most common questions I get asked is phrased like this: "if there are so many orphans in the world, why is it so hard to adopt?" Most often, the long wait is the most frustrating part of their question. That's the root of the pain. They stepped into adoption accepting the cost and the approval process, but they were unprepared for the very complex and painful wait. Shouldn't it be more simple? If A wants a child and B is a child needing a forever family, shouldn't we be able to put A and B together quickly since both are waiting for one another?

In terms of an adoption through the state (i.e. that state's version of child protective services), the state's goal (and rightfully so) is always the best interest of the child. And most often it is decided that it is within the child's best interest to ultimately live with his or her birth family. That may not be possible today (cue entry into the foster care system), but the hope is that tomorrow (or the day after, or six months from now) the child can be reunified with his or her first family. That ultimately looks like a long wait. The state intervened for a reason and that reason isn't fixed overnight. The birth family has to be given the opportunity and time to change the circumstances.

In terms of international adoption, the children up for adoption are just that, available to be adopted, so it seems that the process should be that much easier and faster. There's no period of time spent waiting for the parental rights to be terminated and going back and forth through the courts. However, it is often still a lengthy process. There is a ton of red tape. Buckets upon buckets. For example: Did you know that even if you've previously been fingerprinted for an adoption, a subsequent adoption requires that you be fingerprinted again? What the what? Do they think your fingerprint changed? On top of all of the bureaucratic regulations in place to keep children safe, there are simply the logistical issues of two countries working together to agree on one thing. Turn on the news and you'll see that this very rarely happens. Often there are language barriers which in and of itself adds time to the process as every document submitted by the sending country has to be translated by the receiving country. I've heard of expedited circumstances in which the child would likely die if left in the home country, but typically the process takes months if not years to complete.

And then there's domestic infant adoption. This one is also unique. Whether waiting to adopt through your state or through a private agency or by finding a birth mother on your own, there is a wait involved. At the very least, you're waiting for the baby to be born, but typically you're waiting for a match, then waiting for the baby to be born, and then waiting for the termination of parental rights. Anyone who has experienced a failed adoption would tell you this wait is treacherous and not for the faint of heart.

So let's return back to the question. If there are so many orphans in the world, why is it so hard to adopt? There are certainly really, really hard parts of adoption. But honestly, as I mentioned before, that question often stems from a place of frustration with the wait. Can we be real with one another for a moment? The wait is often for a healthy child. The younger the better. The healthier the better. And all too often, the whiter the better...especially in domestic adoption. There are MILLIONS of children waiting for adoption right now, but they are older, they have more complex and severe medical needs, or they aren't Caucasian. That's the truth of the matter. I know what you're thinking: "umm, hello Amanda. Didn't you adopt a freaking gorgeous baby boy with blonde hair and blue eyes?" Yep. I did. I'm the first to admit that I desperately wanted an infant. I really wasn't even open to a young baby...I wanted a newborn. We were open to any race...his fair skin, blonde hair, and  blue eyes weren't traits we were looking for. It just happened. And he's healthy. There were some early medical issues that we didn't know the extent of, but so far they have all proven to be non-issues. So I'm the first to raise my hand and say that I adopted a healthy infant. And that's okay. There's nothing wrong with that. In fact, there are many things that are beautiful and so right about that. I just think we have to be honest with ourselves. When we express frustration that "there are so many orphans in the world," let's make sure we're being honest with ourselves that the large portion of those orphans are not healthy infants.

So why is adoption so hard? Well, for all of the reasons mentioned above. The home study is hard. Funding an adoption is hard. Waiting is hard. However, I think the wait is part of it. It's an important part. It's a frustrating, torturous, heartbreaking part. But for me, it was the part where my heart finally began to align with the Father's. It was the part where some healing began. It was in those quite, still, hard moments that I began to see my story as more than mine...that there was more to all of this than my entitlement to have a child of my own. It's easy to say all of this and see all of this in hindsight. And wow...I would NOT say this to someone in the wait. In the wait, you say this sucks. In the wait, you buy chocolate and flowers and coffee. But with distance, the waiting part becomes this season of molding, of melding, of preparation for the journey ahead.

Again, this is all easy to say and write on this side of adoption. I fully recognize and know that if we step back into the adoption journey nothing will be east. The home study will be unbearable. The fundraising part and saving part will be humbling and extremely difficult. And the waiting part will be grueling. But I pray that this time around, I'd see the forest and not just the trees, so to speak. When I begin to question, "why is this so hard?," I pray I'd remember that there is purpose in all of it. In the money spent. In the forms filled out and the boxes checked. And always, always in the wait.