Life Lately

I just knew when in the depths of infertility that I would still blog if ever there was a post-infertility chapter of life. I think for many infertility bloggers, the urge to blog somehow dissolves after kids. There was this need, this burden to get it all out, to write it all down, to share when in the midst of the waiting. And then of course, there's the obvious excuse that life is just a lot more busy once kids enter the picture. I have sort of fallen captive to both scenarios.

This year has been hard. Really, really hard. One of the hardest years of my life, and for those who lived through the infertility years with me, you know that's saying something. It seems that I would have a lot to write about in such circumstances, but for whatever reason, the motivation is just difficult to find. Yes, I'm tired. Yes, I want to simply zone out and watch Gilmore Girls the moment my high-energy little buddy succumbs to sleep. However, to a large degree, the lack of blogging has more to do with a lack of words. I don't even know what to say. How much to share. I still have a desire to adopt again, and on some level I'm afraid to share something that might deter someone from approving us for the adoption process again should they find this blog, so it has been hard to know how much and what to share.

For one, this year has been filled to the brim and overflowing with anxiety. I have dealt with anxiety my whole life, on and off. Some seasons have been worse than others (I'm looking at you middle school years). I have previously experienced panic attacks and knew that anxiety could be pretty awful. I have been on and off of various medications throughout my life since I was about 11 years-old, so I've experienced that process as well. Most of my anxiety was during my preteen and teen years, but I have certainly had bouts with the beast as an adult too. Nothing, and I do mean nothing I had previously experienced prepared me for this year. Anxiety roared into my life like a mighty lion and set up camp. I quickly ran for medication realizing early on that this was not something I would be able to master on my own. Unfortunately, for the first time in my adult life, medication has barely taken the edge off. I've entered into the world of counseling again, and I'm hopeful that there is an after to this episode of intense anxiety, but so far, I'm still stuck smack dab in the middle of it.

In addition, a couple of months ago, my father passed away very unexpectedly. You won't find mention of my father much on this blog. We had a very difficult relationship and much of our past was tumultuous to say the least. However, it is never easy to lose a parent and these last months have been hard on so many different levels. As his only legal child (my brother is his step-son), I have taken on the responsibility of administering his estate. Sheesh. People, hear my plea: Get your crap together. Get a will. Get it sent through probate court. Let multiple people know where you keep copies of your will. Get life insurance. And if you give a flying-flip about what happens to your body when you die, make sure that it's written down and that people know about it. If you have some of that junk, but you haven't updated it in a while, GO UPDATE IT. And for the love of all things holy, help your parents get their junk together. Do not allow your parents to leave you a mess. Do not leave the people you love with a mess. Get your stuff in order.

Between the anxiety of, well my very special brain, and the stress of losing my dad and dealing with his estate, the last few months have just been hard. But there's a lot of really, really, good stuff too. Garrison is almost  22 months old. That's just too mind boggling to really understand at this point. It dawned on me last week that I probably need to start thinking about a birthday party in the next few weeks. But didn't we just have one? It seems particularly unreal to think of him as a two-year-old.

"I eat."

He is BURSTING at the seems with life and opinions. His language has exploded over the last couple of months, so now he has the ability to share much of this with us and it's typically just the funniest thing you've ever heard. He's EXHAUSTING at this age. I have absolutely no idea how his teachers at daycare don't simply drop at the end of the day because I'm so ready for bed the minute his head hits the mattress. I think a large part of his exhaustiveness, at least to me, is his extroverted nature. I am, and will always be, introverted to the depths of my being. I can sit calmly and quietly for long stretches of time and say nothing...I'm not unhappy or sad; I'm resting and soaking in the quiet and stillness. There is no quiet or stillness with Garrison. I assume that's mostly true with any toddler, but he seems to be particularly so. He is on the go--constant movement, constant noise--from the moment he wakes up until he simply drops. The moment he's asleep I just want to sit in the quiet and breathe. However, in the midst of all of the movement and noise, there's a whole lot of love. He's learned to give really good hugs and he gives the sweetest little kisses you've ever seen (it's not really a kiss, but more of a touching of cheeks).

"Mommm, stop taking photos for my senior yearbook already."

He continues to have big, big feelings just as he did when he was a baby. Things are either the best-thing-ever or absolutely the saddest-most-miserable-most-unacceptable-thing-ever. There is absolutely no in between. With opinions like that, you can imagine that his love and dedication to the things that he enjoys is intense. He currently loves his "bee-dee," or his word for blanket. Thus far, he's impartial to which blanket...he wants ALL the blankets. Folding laundry is a joke. He steals every single dadgum blanket out of the pile before I get a chance to hide them. He also LOVES dogs. All dogs. Big ones. Small ones. Mean ones. Old ones. He has never met a dog he didn't love and his love is shown by simply trying to smother the dog in hugs of adoration.

"Outside" is his most favorite place in the whole world.

He is still a tiny little nugget. At his most recent sick visit, he was 21 lbs 10 oz with clothes and boots on, so I'm guessing he's barely 21 pounds. He's starting to get a little picky with food. He's not a fan of many meats these days and he's starting to turn his nose up at some veggies. His favorite food is by far cheese. That's what he asks for first thing every morning. "Eat! Eat! Cheese!" Bless him. So not my biological kid. I hate cheese and he eats it by the fistful. We'll definitely be adding Pediasure back into his diet for the winter to help offset all the sick days. He's also very particular about the temperature of his food. The range of room temperature to cold is acceptable. Anything approaching lukewarm will get a loud exclamation of "hot" and a refusal to try another bite for a good five minutes. Some days I wonder why we cook food at all. He'd prefer leftovers straight out of the fridge.

All in all, I continue to be blessed beyond my wildest dreams. Even in the midst of the really hard parts, life is sweet. My boys are good to me and I'm forever thankful that I get to do this twisty-turny, broken thing called life with them.