Far-reaching Tendrils

Recently, it's hit me just how much my infertility has affected more than just me. For whatever reason, over the past few years I've really focused on me. It's sort of selfish yes, but it's also sort of survival mode. It's bad enough to think about how infertility is ruining your own hopes and dreams, but to expand that and see how it's affecting your spouse, your parents, your in-laws, your siblings... gah, it's just a lot to process. But as Sam and I have talked (and talked) these last few months about adoption, I've really come to see just how much our infertility reaches beyond just our little family into the individual family units of our extended family.

Take our siblings for example. Sam has two sisters. They have each had two kids. When Sam and I were dating, I imagined them all playing together. Obviously, I knew their kids would be older than our kids, but I didn't know they'd be this much older. My oldest nephew is in high school; it boggles my mind every time I think about it, but it's real. And the youngest two (just a few months apart) are already in second grade! Any baby of ours will be out of his/her league with the cousins. Our baby will be going to kindergarten when our nieces and nephews are in high school and college. They'll be going on dates, driving cars, and leaving home when our baby is learning the ABCs. At Christmas, our child will want to run and play with the "big kids" but the big kids won't want to hang out with the "baby". It's sad for us, sad for our (someday) kid, but I imagine it's also sad for my sisters-in-law. Our infertility affects them and their families too.

And the grandparents, oh man. Sam's parents and stepparents have quite a few grandchildren. I'm sure they'll be happy to have more, thrilled for us when the time comes, but they aren't lacking in grandchildren in anyway. But my poor mom, bless her heart. She has wanted grandchildren since I was probably ten years old. I don't think she's ever once thought, "you should wait a while to have kids." When my brother told her he was going to have a baby, she lost her mind and went and made a nursery in her own house just for this precious baby. She just knew that it was going to get tons of use, her time had finally arrived, she was going to be a grandmother times a billion. That was three years ago now, and she still just has that one sweet granddaughter to play with in the nursery. The crib still stands there waiting for another baby. It breaks my heart to think of how my infertility has robbed my mom of the job she was made for. She is a fabulous mom, but she was born to be a grandma.

Infertility has long, far-reaching tendrils; creeping, spiraling, spreading fingers that burrow and reach outside of the primary couple and take root within the extended family. It was always true, but my eyes have been opened to it so much more over the last few months as we've discussed and planned for adoption. I'm not exactly sure why it took the idea of adoption to open my eyes to it, but maybe it's thinking abound bonding and attachment and how the choice to adopt is our choice, but it affects our family too. Sam and I are not the only ones with expectations. We are not the only ones with hopes and dreams. Our infertility and the choices we make directly affect our families. There's not a lot I can do about it, but it's just interesting to think about. Infertility feels so isolating. It's easy to forget that there are others along for the ride with you.

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For those of you who follow Em at Teach Me to Braid, I'm guessing your Facebook has been blowing up like mine the last few days! Emily is such an incredible writer, I always know when I see a new post by her that it's going to be GOOD. Well, she's done it again, and this time, people are taking notice. It's been so fun to see people all over Georgia share this sweet friend's words that she wrote from half way across the country. Congrats Em! When you're getting your book deal, we will all say "I knew her when..."

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A quick update on the fundraiser. I've added a widget to the blog so that you can follow along and see how we're doing, if you're interested. As of this morning, we're over 10% of the way their! I've cried and cried and cried over the last week and a half. The kindness and generosity of others has blown me away over and over again. We are so humbled by the selfless, giving hearts of others, many of them strangers. Our YouCaring page is full of messages like this, "I'm a longtime blog reader who is excited to be able to help"... how cool is that? Even if the contributions stopped today, we have already been so blessed!