When I Said I Do

For several months now, maybe even a year, the Lord has really placed young married couples on my heart. It has become the cry of my heart that my generation would begin to turn the tide and divorce would become a thing of the past. It breaks my heart to hear stories of people my age who are already divorced, but the truth is, it is not that uncommon.

Now let me stop here and say right away that this isn't a diatribe where I'm sitting here on some lofty throne asking why my peers allow their marriages to fail. I'm not pointing fingers, or placing blame. I don't claim to have all the answers and I don't believe for one moment that I have the perfect marriage. And let me go one step further and admit that I may be one of the only people I know who has prayed for a divorce (not for myself). So no, I don't think we should return to the dark ages where women have no rights and can be abused and beaten, but must stay come what may. I'm not saying that I think there is no place for divorce. I'm just saying that I think somewhere along the line the idea of divorce got blown wildly out of context. Now, if I fall out of love, if he is unfaithful, if we grow apart, if someone who treats me better comes along, or if one of a hundred different things happens in the course of my marriage, then I have the right to leave. It is as if marriages now begin with a preconceived list of things that give one an out.

The thing that really bothers me the most is that the statistics of marriage are about the same across the board in America... Christian or not. The scriptures are clear that God intended for one man and one woman to unite... the end. There are causes and reasons for divorce, but it is certainly not the litany of reasons that we as a culture have deemed permissive. In Andy Stanley's series Staying in Love, he discusses the idea that marriages last and love persists because of mutual, unending submission of one's will for the other. This was honestly, a completely new idea to me when I first heard this. Sam and I heard this message before we ever started premarital counseling and this idea was reinforced during that time, but I just remember thinking, "am I the only one who had not previously approached the idea of marriage in this way?" I think that today, with such a large population of 20-somethings with one or more divorces in their immediate family, it is probably safe to assume that many do not know how to have a lasting, fulfilling marriage.

This is where my brain starts running into overdrive as I think about the opportunity the Church has to meet this need, and what life changing, really history changing, opportunities this has for future family trees. In my mind I see a ministry for 20-somethings who are NOT engaged. I think we have to change the way we are approaching the whole process. The engagement period kind of feels like a runaway train, and I think this is the wrong time to really address what a marriage should be. The engagement should be a time focussed on the individual couple, as they plan and think through the future under the leadership of another married couple. It is BEFORE this that the ideas of marriage need to be adjusted and set on track so that when the young people do find the one, they are on course to succeed. Currently, it seems that it is after the date is already set that preconceived notions must be dealt with and expectations laid bare.

Sam and I were fortunate enough to have incredible premarital counseling from a couple who truly loves the Lord and honestly wanted to see us succeed. Where many couples I know had less than five hours of counseling, Sam and I probably had twenty or more! I'd love to see a ministry program that removed this obligation from the senior pastor's list of to-do's when necessary. A system where Godly couples who are truly passionate about seeing this generation succeed would partner with the church and spend hours ministering to, loving on, and advising the engaged couple. That a relationship would form during this time that would allow the couple, once married, to have someone to turn to that is not a parent. I think that this is an important key because we all know that in the eyes of our parents, even if they love our spouse to death, we will always be more right, more justified, and more deserving. When times get tough young couples need an unbiased ear to listen and wise words supported by the Word of God to steer them.

I certainly don't have it all fleshed out yet, nor do I know if this is something that I will ever see come to fruition, but I know that if I could convince a church like Athens Church to begin a program devoted to seeing young people start their first marriage right, it truly could be the only marriage they ever have. A program like this in a city like Athens where every year hundreds of couples get engaged and married could really create some dramatic life change. If the Lord leads us back to Athens, I'd love to see this come to life.

In the midst of this, the Lord just continues to lay other young, married couples on my heart. I continue to pray that the Lord would keep them safe from this world and the temptations that exist to betray one's marriage and the laziness that allows unity to become less and less important. So if you are newly married or newly engaged, or even simply young and married, know that I think of you and pray for the Lord's guiding hand in your marriage and his protection over you and your spouse. May we be the beginning of a generation that says I lay my rights down for the sake of my marriage, and I will submit my will to the one I love.