Fight Like Hell, Then Stand in the Gap

I remember years ago praying that a birth mom would terminate her parental rights. It seemed normal then. It was what was best, and so obviously within God's will. What a weird, complicated prayer. And so difficult to unpack years later after so much time spent within the adoption world.

In some ways, it feels like you can either be for adoption or for orphan prevention, but not both. If you’re for adoption, then you must want kids to be available to be adopted, right? And if you’re for orphan prevention, then you must not like adoption, right? I’ll admit that there can be some murky, gray areas in all of this, but ultimately no, nothing is further from the truth. Adoption and orphan prevention are two different sides of the same coin. We must fight like hell to hell to preserve first families, and when that is no longer an option, we must be ready to stand in the gap.

Orphan prevention is a huge, complex topic because there are so many different reasons children become orphans. War. Famine. Disease. Natural disasters like the devastating earthquake in Haiti in 2010. There are certainly other issues. Things like poverty. High medical costs. Social stigmas. National laws. And then there’s the really, really gross underbelly that no one wants to talk about: financial gain. Those are just a few of the reasons, there are dozens of others, and every story is unique and different. So how on earth do you prevent children from becoming orphans?

The truth of the matter is that we never will. This world is broken. There will always be war like the one we see playing out in Syria, creating new orphans each and every day as parents and grandparents and sisters and brothers are killed simply because of geographical location. There will always be natural disasters, earthquakes, tsunamis, tornados, and hurricanes that will rip families apart and leave children without a family. And there will always be evil in this world that seeks to destroy families. But, and that’s a big but, we must still fight with everything we’ve got to preserve first families when we can. While we will never end the creation of more orphans, for that one child it will make all the difference.

The first battle in orphan prevention is one that must take place in our hearts. It’s the lie that we’ve been telling ourselves for hundreds, maybe even thousands of years. It’s the one that says whiter, richer, more educated, etc. is better. I know, you’re probably thinking “what on earth does that have to do with orphan prevention?” I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been told how lucky my boys are to have Sam and I. Do you want to know where that thought pattern begins? It begins by thinking that Garrison is better off with us because we can provide more for him than his first family could. That we can give him a better future. That he will have more (more toys, more clothes, more vacations, more opportunities) because he lives with us. It begins by thinking that Joel is better off in America than in China. That he will have more wealth, education, etc. because he lives here. Those things may be true. The boys likely will have more because of the home they live in, but that is a HIGH price to pay for the loss of their first family, and for Joel the loss of his first culture and country. We must lay down the idea that the children of Uganda are better off in America because we can give them more. We must set to flame any thought that says the children of Costa Rica need Americans to save them. Is a forever family better than an orphanage or a life in the foster care system? Yes. But when we have the opportunity to have children safely adopted in their own country, we should celebrate that...even if that means they will be raised by people who are poorer, less educated (and certainly less white) that the options available in the US.

What these vulnerable children need is forever homes that can provide for their needs, and the hope is that the forever is with their first family. Supporting orphan prevention looks different in every country, culture, and region. It looks like systems in place to help families provide the medical care their children need, because the truth is that every day families are faced with the choice to abandon their child in hopes that they will be found and given the medical care they so desperately need or to bring them home and watch their child die. It looks like opportunities for jobs and childcare for women because statistically we know that women will use far more of each dollar they earn on their family than men. It looks like rehabilitation options because around the world, but certainly in our own back yard, alcohol and drug addiction is a very real reason that children are abandoned each and every day. The needs are so great. There is no one band aid for this problem. And we know it’s a fight we will lose. Orphans will always exist in this world. So what do we do?

We open up our hearts and our wallets to look around and see who is on the front lines providing care in the areas needed in the ways that first families need it. Who is providing food, medical care, education, jobs, rehabilitation options, to the families in need in order to help keep families together? It's using our standing within our communities, our state, and our country to draw attention to the needs of vulnerable children in our own back yards and across the world. It' shining a light on the plight of the orphan and saying that we will no longer slap a band-aid on this problem. We will no longer pretend that adoption is the answer to the orphan crisis.

When we’ve done everything we can to preserve the first family, we stand in the gap, arms wide open to support adoption. I truly believe more people are capable of adopting than do, but I also totally understand that not everyone desires to adopt or feels called to do so. And that’s okay. Yes, we need more adoptive families, we absolutely do. Current numbers indicate that 153 million children worldwide have lost either one parent (single orphan) or both parents (double orphan), but "one of the greatest weaknesses in these global orphan estimates is that they include only orphans that are currently living in homes. They do not count the estimated 2 to 8+ million children living in institutions. Nor do current estimates include the vast number of children who are living on the streets, exploited for labor, victims of trafficking, or participating in armed groups. Thus, global orphan statistics significantly underestimate the number of orphans worldwide and fail to account for many children that are among the most vulnerable and most in need of a family" (cafo.org). With numbers like that, it's unarguable the we need adoptive parents, but we also need more people to financially support adoption. We also need more counselors and teachers who are versed and educated in trauma to support these children and families once they come home. We need lawmakers and politicians who care deeply about the plight of the orphan. We need advocates for the thousands of children worldwide who are currently living without a forever family. 

We may not all be capable or called to adopt, but we can all do something. We can all believe in and fight for orphan prevention while simultaneously supporting and believing in adoption. I encourage us all to look around our own communities and find the families, organizations, and ministries in need of a hand or a piece of our hearts. Without a doubt there is a family that you could come alongside, and organization that you could support, or a ministry you could join in their efforts to care for vulnerable children through orphan prevention and adoption.