Working Mom and Daycare

I've been back to work now for four months. Garrison has completed eighteen weeks at daycare. I think that's long enough to have valid thoughts and opinions on being a working mom with a baby in daycare, so I thought I'd share. This is in NO WAY an argument for staying home or going back to work. That's a personal decision for each mom to make and there are so many factors at play in every situation. Instead, I share this for those who might dread returning to work, but feel that they must.

For the last decade or more, I imagined myself as a stay at home mom. Which totally makes sense...I was going to knock out five kids before I was 29. I wasn't going to have time for work, let alone a career. Even in college, I consciously chose a degree that I felt would allow me to work from home. The reality is that we simply don't have the money for me to quit, especially if we want more children. I don't make a ton of money, but we're also not at that place where the cost of childcare outweighs my bring home salary either. Until we reach that place, or we pay off student loans, I'll likely be working. 

There are a lot of things that are really hard about being a working mom (not that there aren't hard things about staying at home), but surprisingly I've found some things to be really thankful for too. The negative aspects of working are difficult to come to terms with. Obviously I waited a really long time to be a mom. It sucks to leave him in someone else's care all day. It's especially hard when I think about the fact that the daycare teachers get 90% of his awake hours. Garrison sleeps until 7:30 in the morning. In the afternoon he comes home and promptly takes a forty-five minute nap from sheer exhaustion. The plan is that he'd stay up until 8:00 pm, but currently we're lucky if he makes it until 7:30 pm. It's just not a lot of time with him.

It reaaalllly sucks when I think about milestones. Miraculously, Garrison rolled over for the first time over the Fourth of July weekend, so Sam and I both got to witness it. I'm not sure if I'd call it lucky, but his first tooth started to come through over this past weekend. While it wasn't exactly fun, I'm glad I was the first too see his little tooth and I'm thankful I was there to comfort him. However, the odds are that some milestones will occur at daycare. When I think about him taking his first steps there rather than towards me, I just want to cry. Or if his teachers hear his first words??? Missing out on the days with him and knowing I'll probably miss a few "firsts" are definitely really hard parts about working.

In addition, it's hard to deal with the differences between daycare and home. While we did not start with any type of schedule at birth, by about 8 weeks, I started introducing a schedule. I truly believe this was the number one thing to help with all of the fussiness. Garrison does SO well on the schedule. He's easier to feed and get to sleep when he's on his schedule. But when there are seven other babies in the room, it's hard to expect them to stick to the schedule exactly. And while Garrison will nap decently at home in the most perfect napping conditions, there is just too much stimulation at daycare. Thirty minute naps have become the norm. It's SO frustrating because I know that he can nap longer, and I know that if he got good naps in the day, he'd be more likely to stay up a little longer at night. But I also know that he's not a good napper…the conditions have to be just right and a lit room with music and crying babies is not optimal for napping. All the sleep training books talk about various things to help your baby, but they all work on the assumption that you are able to let baby nap in his/her crib and control lights, sounds ect. I've had to come to terms with the fact that I am simply not in control at daycare. They have his schedule and do what they can to keep it, but some days are just going to suck under those conditions. That's really hard when I just want a happy (and awake) baby in the limited hours I have with him.

The hard parts of working probably aren't that surprising. I didn't expect the good parts though. For one thing, I really believe Garrison is hitting his milestones when he is because of daycare. If I was home with him, I would feel so much pressure to keep the house up, fold the clothes, do the dishes, etc. There would be stretches of time where I'd leave him to play by himself out of a sense of duty to my home and husband. While there are certainly times when he is playing by himself at daycare, those times feel more engaging. There are SO many things to look at and play with, and his teachers are constantly talking to the babies. It just feels very developmentally friendly to me.

The other positive that I see about daycare is social experiences. Garrison is constantly around other babies and other adults. As someone who was incredibly shy and hated any type of group experience as a kid, I'm hopeful that these early experiences during his formative years will help him learn to make friends. While I am PRO introverts (woo hoo, introverts unite...via text message, over a cup of coffee in the privacy of our own homes), I also really hope that he'll be comfortable in social situations whether he is introverted or extroverted, and I think a lot of that comfort just comes from socialization at a young age.

And lastly, immune system. Man, I would have SWORN that sending my formula-fed preemie into daycare was going to mean ongoing sickness. I was told to expect about one illness a month. I desperately clung to my days off from work, terrified that he'd constantly be sick. Within the first four days of starting daycare, Garrison got sick. Projectile vomiting. Explosive diarrhea. The whole deal. Sam and I could just see the writing on the wall. Believe it or not, that was the last time Garrison has been sick. May 7 was the last pediatric appointment for something other than his monthly checkups. We are shocked, but so, so thankful that his immune system is getting stronger. Once upon a time we had to do a three-minute scrub just to enter the same room as Garrison, and now he shares toys and equipment with seven other babies...I'm pretty sure they share a few germs too.

Lastly,  I am surprised to find that work to be a positive experience for me. My nature would be to stay home if I was a stay at home mom...as in all the time. It would be very unusual for me to venture out for more than errands. I wouldn't sign up for clubs or groups and set up play dates with other moms. I also wouldn't enroll my son in music class for toddlers of baby gymnastics as those things all cost money and I'd feel a strong desire to save every penny if I was staying at home. Knowing myself, it would be hard for me to be anything but a hermit if I stayed home with Garrison. And yet, I would crave some adult interaction. Working provides that for me...a reason to get dressed in something other than pajama pants and my husband's t-shirt, a reason to put on makeup and do my hair, an opportunity to get out of the house guilt free, and an opportunity to engage in conversation with someone who isn't six months old. Working is good for me. While I certainly miss my baby, I feel like I'm a healthier and happier mom for going back to work.

I truly enjoy my job, which I'm sure helps, but I'm honestly surprised that overall, I'm happy with out current arrangement. I do think that as the years go on, I will likely want to find some other arrangement. My mom quit her job after my seventh grade year and was available to pick me up from school or meet me at the bus stop for those years and it was SO important to me. It was a huge sacrifice on her part, but one that truly changed my life. I would really like to be able to take Garrison into school and pick him up each day once he starts school rather than enroll him in some form of after school program. Working part time seems like an ideal situation for me...all of the benefits and very few of the negative aspects of being a working mom. For now, we're comfortable and happy with our situation, but a girl can dream.