The Sisterhood of Motherhood

Before Garrison came into my life, it felt like there was this members only club, one that nearly EVERYONE got to be a part of, but ironically I could not join. I felt like an outsider forever looking in, pressing my nose up to the glass on the comings and goings of the mom club. Now I'm actually a member of this sisterhood; I'm on the other side of the glass; I can see the inner workings of this group, and I can say this: moms are kind of intense.

I'm sure you've all seen that Similac commercial... the one that had moms boo-hooing for weeks and sharing is across social media. If not, you can see it here.



The commercial first went viral when I was not a mom, when I was still an outsider looking in at this Sisterhood of Motherhood. I remember thinking two things (while not crying in the least): 1- moms can't really be THAT bad because the commercial portrays them as slightly psychotic women with one track minds (i.e. I only care about breastfeeding. Or I only care about baby-wearing), and 2 - I hope it doesn't take a runaway baby stroller to make moms help one another. 

Now first of all, I have to point out that for the last three years of my life, I've lived in this kind of female utopia, at least within the blog world. I know that women are women, whether moms or not, but the infertility community has just been SO supportive of me over the last few years. I know some have experienced hurtful, spiteful comments from fellow infertiles, but I've never experienced it, and very rarely seen it with my own eyes. Rather, what I have seen is a community that is FOR each other, even when we don't necessarily agree. Not everyone agreed with my decision to do IVF, but my sisters still supported me. They loved me for me, and the means by which I tried to start a family were secondary. The same was true of adoption... adoption can be a scary, taboo type of word in the infertility community, and I doubt everyone thought it was the right choice for me to make, but I never heard a word otherwise. I was supported from beginning to end. Apparently this was paradise... in the real world, women often have fangs. 

I also have to add that I was REALLY sheltered from the mom world. Part of that was intentional on my part, as I didn't want to read mommy blogs or parenting books while I was waiting and hoping, and part of it was because I had relatively few really close friends here locally that were moms. So when I was thrown into the deep end, and earned the title of  "mom" in six seconds, I seriously had NO CLUE what was going on. CIO, Ferber, Attachment Parenting, BabyWise... It all meant NOTHING to me. Seriously. I mean I'd heard of "Ferber" sure, but it rhymed with Gerber, and no one hates that, so I had no idea that there was any more to say on the issue. My first (and still only) parenting book was loaned to me the morning I left for Florida. Erika ever so generously packed a diaper bag filled with tons of things I never would have thought to take to Florida. What she gave me was literally all I had at the time. In the bag was her favorite book that helped her with getting her daughter to sleep. I had no idea that this book aligned with a particular parenting strategy, no clue that it was in opposition to other parenting theories. I didn't choose the book because I strongly felt pro one direction or another. Rather, what I heard was my friend, who was a great mom and had already been through a similar process telling me "this book will help the baby (and me) sleep." Well sign me up! That was it... seriously. So you can imagine my dismay when the very act of reading a book stirred up other women (complete strangers) enough to comment. I didn't realize that by reading one book instead of another that I was setting up camp with one group of moms (and apparently giving the finger to others).

My first experience with this came while I was at the hotel in Jacksonville out reading by the pool. It had been a looonnngg day of Garrison hysterically crying for no discernible reason and I was desperately in need of a break. My mom offered to watch him so I could take a breather. I went and sat out by the pool with Erika's copy of The Happiest Baby on the Block, finally finding time to find out what makes a happy baby, because I was obviously FAILING. My baby was the farthest thing from happy. It wasn't ten minutes later when the comments started, "Ooo, you don't want that book; your baby will be so spoiled." And then "I did Babywise (to which I'm thinking what the junk is "babywise?" I'm trying to make him happy... I've got plenty of time to make him wise.) and my baby slept through the night at 8 weeks." It became clear with a little research later that the author of these two books The Happiest Baby on the Block and Babywise are pretty much in direct opposition to one another and that divides women into two camps. There are other books obviously; some are more similar to one, and others are more of their own thing. But all in all, the line gets drawn (on this issue) based on how you respond to and interact with your baby. Camp A FIRMLY believes that you must run (don't walk) as soon as your baby cries and soothe them back into a womb like state because your baby wasn't mean to handle the outside world yet. Your life is drastically altered and basically revolves around baby, BUT these behaviors will help your baby transition into the world and feel safe, protected, and loved. Sounds pretty great to me. Group B takes a very different stance and says that as the parent you handle the schedule and the way your baby interacts and meets the world. They say that by creating a schedule and a cycle of eat/play/sleep, you will help your baby adjust to this new world of days and nights and new stimulation. This group believes that predictability will help your baby feel secure. Also sounds pretty great. Honestly, I see good things about both groups, and don't feel strongly connected to either. But regardless, it's ridiculous to think that someone's choice in reading material lets you know what kind of parent she will be.

There have been several other instances in which I was basically attacked by complete strangers for my parenting choices. My favorite is always the formula deal. I've expressed my interest in and appreciation for breastfeeding before, so while I do understand some of the the thoughts behind these comments, it's just CRAZY that women think they have the right to comment and judge how I feed my baby. "Did you know breast is best, honey? she asks while I try to soothe a hysterical baby in the middle of the aisle in Target by shaking up a pre-measured bottle of formula. I want to say "Well, you see my breast is not best. It's empty. I adopted him. Thanks for bringing up a sore spot as I stand here in front of a wall of confusing formulas trying desperately to ascertain what the hell is different about each one and which will be best for my gassy, grumpy, sensitive little dude"... just ughhhh. I've even had women try to enlighten me about inducing lactation. Seriously? He was like ten weeks old at the time. We're not starting the absurdly hard and long process to induce lactation with NO guarantees that it'll work and NO guarantees that two plus months from now, he'll even understand the concept of breastfeeding. The idea that milk comes out of boobs would be news to him, let me tell you.

Those are instances directed at me, but I've seen so many instances were moms jumped on other moms for their parenting choices. I joined a Facebook group that I knew NOTHING about except that a local friend recommended it. When I was sent the guidelines by the group leader, I remember thinking that she was a little intense, but nothing particularly stuck out in terms of the type of group I was entering. Now when I go back and read it, it's so clear, but to novice me in the first week of parenting it just sounded like a group of moms in my city. What I didn't know is that when you move into one camp, you find friends, companionship, and help in navigating through parenthood... that's the really great part of a group like this. The less desirable thing that comes with planting your flag in one camp or another (at least in my opinion) is that you find a lot of women talking about how "the others" are misguided at best, and bad parents at worst. Really!?!?!

The group I joined believes in "gentle parenting" and apparently that means things like gentle discipline, extended breastfeeding, baby wearing, co-sleeping, and low intervention birth. The truth of the matter is that this is probably not the right group for me. I do believe in gentle discipline, but extended breastfeeding to me would mean a year and I get the feeling that's not what we're talking about here (not to mention, I'm not breastfeeding at all. See above). I do think baby wearing is nice, but use my stroller just as much. I don't want to co-sleep at all. I've never wanted to, but now that I have a squirmy, hot, grunty baby, co-sleeping sounds like hell. And low intervention births? Yeah, when I was a teenager watching a thousand episodes of A Baby Story, a warm bath, bouncy ball, soft music, and massage looked glorious, but the me who has lived through four years of infertility? Yeah, she'd be going with the absolute safest means necessary with every doctor on call or present in the room. Let's just go ahead and have an entire hospital staff on call and waiting just outside the birthing suite in a state of the art hospital with a Level Four NICU team standing by. That's how we'll roll if we ever birth a baby. So admittedly, I don't really agree with everything (or even half) or what's being said in the group, but it's been enlightening (and disheartening) to see the conversations that take place in this private group.

In one situation, a mom, who to me sounded like a first time mom, struggling with a fussy baby, and desperate for sleep, posted asking if anyone had experience with Babywise. I doubt she knew the flood gates that she would open with those few words, but she was all but crucified. It got so heated that the leader had to cut the comments off (which then pissed more people off). The behavior of grown women was so absurd all because a fellow mom asked a simple question. I felt absolutely awful for this mom. I'm sure she just didn't understand that to this group "Babywise" is the exact opposite of "gentle parenting" as many of the women in the group align the practice of cry it out with child abuse. In my opinion, that's a gross over simplification and generalization. I know a lot of moms who have used the teachings in Babywise and all of them are rock stars. Not one of them is abusive. None of them allowed their babies to become dehydrated for the sake of keeping a schedule. They all have happy, healthy children. Calling these friends abusive parents without even knowing them simply because they chose to allow their four month old baby to fuss in his crib for half an hour would be like calling baby wearing moms abusive for risking their child's muscle and bone development by wearing them too much.

Similac made a cute, satirical commercial about a real serious issue to me. Moms are drawing lines left and right and claiming with extreme passion and authority that THIS is the way to parent. The issues are wide and deep and ever so divisive. Everything from traditional weaning vs baby led weaning (or never weaning) to cloth diapering vs disposable diapering. And holy moly, don't, for the love of God, mention stay at home moms vs working moms. Just about every parenting decision appears to be reason enough to go to war if you find someone who does things differently than you. It's frustrating. As a woman, and now a mom, I want us to be better than this.

Truth be told, if I could parent any way I wanted to and everything I tired worked (ha), I'd wear my baby for ease and comfort, but I'd still have and use a stroller because OMG my back and have mercy- boob sweat. I'd breastfeed my baby for nutrition, but also for the lack of a billion bottles to clean. I'd work part time, maybe 3-4 hours a day, enough to allow me to feel productive and have adult interaction while allowing my baby to socialize, and also giving me the freedom to spend more time with my baby (and get more done at home). I'd hold and snuggle my baby for hours everyday, because the snuggly baby doesn't last nearly long enough. I'd have a loose schedule, one that allowed for variation and freedom to go and do, while still helping me predict the day and keep order. I'd have my baby sleep in his own room in his crib, as co-sleeping scares the dickens out of me, and room sharing means tons of baby junk all over my room, and crappy, disjointed sleep for me. I'd let my baby have a paci because self soothing is important to me. I'd cloth diaper because yay Mother Earth and yay my wallet, but I'd also hire someone to clean my house every few weeks because laundry is a full time job. I'm not one type of mother. I feel free to pick and choose the things that I enjoy and that help me be a better mom. 

In general, I think moms are doing the best that they can. Parenting is hard in every stage of life. I have three thoughts on why moms react and behave antagonistically towards one another. First, I think many moms are looking for validation. They want to feel good about the choices they make. When someone chooses differently than they do, they can feel defensive, but really they are just feeling unsure of themselves. I'm guilty of this one. I don't typically respond at all, but I've caught myself numerous times feeling defensive of why I've made choice X and not Y. My second hypothesis is that moms over-zealously want to share what worked for them. They want it to come across as helpful advice, but we all know that "helpful" advice, be that on parenting or infertility is rarely helpful. A good rule of thumb is if the person didn't specifically ask for advice, they are probably not seeking yours. And lastly, some moms are unfortunately just jerks. They are mean, spiteful, and use harsh words towards other moms out of a sense of power and authority. Let's be real. Moms are people first, and in every people groups, there are jerks. Moms are no exception. But in general, I think moms are trying their best; they just fail to appropriately love on one another, especially if that "other" has made different choices.

I for one am claiming now that I will not engage in the "mom wars." If you want to wear your baby twenty hours a day, cool... that's between you, your pediatrician, and your physical therapist. If you want to breastfeed in public until your kid is four, that's fine... I'll probably avoid you during snack time, but in between, we can hang out. If you want to feed your baby formula rather than breastmilk, go forth... many a baby has been fed by far weirder and worse things than a can of formula. Let's call these things what they are: parenting choices. It's not abuse. If we want to talk about abuse, all you need to do is turn on the news and you'll find plenty of real cases of child abuse to get fired up about. Let's decide to use our voices as females, mothers or not, for good. To bring awareness to things that we're passionate about, to help others in need, and to build one another up. There's enough out in the world trying to tear us down. We don't need to do that to one another. Let's agree to help a mom out before the baby stroller rolls away.