The Struggle

I don't talk about it often, but I have periodically struggled with depression throughout my life. Middle school was the worst, by far. For a few years I was on various medications to assist me... most of them SSRIs. I don't know if the medications actually worked, the hours of therapy worked, growing up a bit worked, or if my brain just started regulating more normally, but I eventually left that period of depression behind. I honestly don't remember a lot about those days... I was in a sort of fog. That's how I describe it at least, a fog that kind of covers you, weighs on you, and dulls everything around you.

The depression has returned a time or two over the last 16 years. Every time it has returned, I've chosen to wait it out. I feel educated enough to know the signs of serious depression; I feel versed enough in the various treatment methods that I haven't sought medication or therapy for depression again. I have however needed medications for anxiety... that's another beast all together. I was diagnosed with Somatoform Disorder at 25 years old. Anxiety disorders plus infertility make for an interesting cocktail, let me tell you. I'm sure I'm a complete joy to live with. I'm not 100% confident in the diagnosis, as the diagnosis came amidst panic attacks that I haven't had since then, but I do have to admit that I fit many of the criteria even when I am "high functioning". Anxiety is really my beast... depression just comes and goes, in and out, throughout my life.

I can feel myself entering another period of depression. I told Sam so that he can "keep an eye out"... that's step one. You never walk depression alone. Someone has to know, so that if I'm unable to say that this has gone too far, someone else can. I don't think I'll get to that point by any means, I'm not really worried, but it's just wise to let someone know. Plus, it's good for him to know it's me, not him. That we (our marriage, our life) are good... it's simply my brain's inability to process serotonin and dopamine correctly.

That's important when dealing with depression... knowing the science. I think that's part of what has kept me from going deep as an adult. I don't get down on myself. I don't think of myself as weak, or lacking the joy of the Lord, or any of the 8 million things that can make me feel more crappy and pathetic about depression. My brain doesn't process neurotransmitters correctly all the time. It's not my fault, I may not like it, but it's no more my fault than my infertility.

Which brings me around to the trigger of my bout with depression: infertility and the mess it makes. The last time I was struggling with depression was almost 2 full years ago. It was a minor, brief episode, but it centered around the failed IUIs. The more the cycles failed, the farther I sunk. There were certainly other contributing factors... I was unemployed, my husband was gone all. the. time. and I was living with my in-laws or my mom during that time... kind of a perfect storm. My RE offered medication after my third failed IUI. I'm pretty sure she thought I was about to go down in a ball of flames; I knew that I wasn't, so I stayed off meds. I had been on medication for anxiety when I miscarried and I knew that going on antidepressants was a sure fire way to trigger a massive anxiety attack... I was still feeling semi-confident (somehow) that I'd get pregnant and I didn't want to risk another miscarriage on the admittedly small risk.

Since then, I've been pretty okay. Which is kind of surprising. I mean really, when you think about what infertility puts you through... it's kind of a miracle we're walking, talking, functioning humans. I am struggling now though. And I think that centers around inactivity and an empty bank account. I'm frustrated that we've finally chosen a path forward (more on that later), that I finally have a little bit of hope again, and yet we're stuck here, waiting on money. Money that doesn't grow on trees. It's odd really, that THIS would be the time for depression to creep back in. I mean there was a LOT of down time waiting for IVF. Then IVF failed. Then the FET failed. And yet through all of that I held it together. And now this.

Our financial woes center around the house, which in and of itself frustrates me. The house is beautiful and amazing and was NOT an over-investment on our part. We were under budget. We're not struggling to make payment, we're not in over our heads... it's not that. But as anyone can attest, moving costs money, furnishing costs money, renovating costs money... that was a dent, one that I was moderately prepared for... and then the AC unit died. Heaven help me, I was not prepared for that. Not prepared to enter a large hole of debt that we now have to climb out of (again). My financial mentor is in Costa Rica with far more important things going on than reading my blog, but I know if she was here, she'd tell me to "stop the bleed"... not one more thing gets purchased that I do not have the money for in the bank. NO credit cards. I'm working on it... the bleed has been slowed, we're just oozing right now.

But essentially, I'm frustrated and sad. It's beyond annoying/frustrating/depressing that our family requires BIG MONEY to build itself. The lack of movement, the lack of focus, the inability to pull the trigger and go for it is opening up time and space for depression to slink back in. And slink in it has... again, it's a lot like fog. I didn't wake up depressed. Depression kind of oozes into your life, rolling like billows of fog. It's not like I have a permanent rain cloud hanging over my head. I'm happy at times, I laugh, I still enjoy things... the fog just kind of dampens and dulls everything a bit and it requires more time/effort to be happy, laugh, enjoy.

I say all of this not to garner sympathy. Our financial situation is our own, and I'm well aware that we aren't the only ones struggling financially. And I'm not trying to win the Sad Olympics or anything... infertility and depression can go hand in hand. I'm not the first and I won't be the last to struggle with depression along this winding, bumpy, dusty road of infertility. And that's really my point entirely... If you have struggled or are struggling with depression, you're not alone.