 | ||
| Yep, this Pumpkin Spice Latte has my name all over it! |
What in the world does a Pumpkin Spice Latte have to do with a pregnancy test and an eventual miscarriage? Absolutely nothing. I'm sure of that now. Starbucks did not kill my baby. But in the days post miscarriage, I was looking for any reason, any explanation as to why this was happening to me. I hadn't been drinking coffee as I had read to cut caffeine when trying to get pregnant, so I did. But I couldn't pass up this particular latte on my way into work one day, and boom... two days later, a positive pregnancy test turned negative. I thought of LOTS of things that I might have done wrong during that time; drinking coffee was just one of them. And like I said, I'm fully confident now that this had nothing to do with the miscarriage... I'm infertile after all.
Despite the knowledge, Pumpkin Spice Lattes have become irreversibly connected to my miscarriage. I can't drink one without a flood of memories washing back through me. In fact, last year, I was afraid to drink them, afraid of the pain and emotions that would resurface. But now, two years later, 99% of the time, I go throughout my days without thinking about my loss. It certainly changed me, and I never thought I'd get to a place where I didn't think about it everyday, but the truth is I don't. But the truth is also that the memories are sharp, clear, and just below the surface ready to replay at a moment's notice. So in a way, these warm, pungent beverages have become a sort of tradition, a way of remembering, a way of mourning. So I'll just sit here with my Pumpkin Spice Latte and sip it quietly and remember and wonder what might have been.
This is how I feel about Wendy's, specifically ordering french fries there... we had driven through the night before we found out about the miscarriage because I had been feeling so awful and it was the only thing that sounded good. Funny how we make those associations, huh? I'm glad you got the courage to order one this year!
ReplyDelete:(. I wish I knew the words to write here in this comment... I will just say that in two years you have come so very far and you have become so, so strong. Thinking of you! Enjoy your PSL as much as you can :)
ReplyDeleteAww...I hate this. :( But I'm glad that you are able to order one this year. Hopefully new and better memories will replace the old. Like maybe today, after drinking your PSL, you'll get a raise? Or the Dawgs will win tomorrow? Or the weather will drop 20 degrees? OK, none of those are as good as babies, but...would be pretty good for today.
ReplyDeleteYou are so strong and I admire so much about you. I'm sorry that this is forever connected to your loss. There always seem to be those little things that sneak up and get ya. I hate that you have those memories. You are going to be a fantastic momma one day and I can't wait to be here seeing it all unfold. Hang in there. xoxo
ReplyDeleteI really want to go out and get a Pumpkin Spice Latte now!
ReplyDeleteI always think its crazy how certain songs, foods and smells can bring back a memory or take you back to a certain place in time in your life instantly.
ReplyDeleteAmanda, my heart hurt for you reading this. Isn't it strange how tastes and smells can bring dormant memories back to vivid life? As you know, I share your deep and abiding love for fall, but one thing about fall weather--and this may be part of why I love it so--is that it's beauty has a strain of melancholy in it. Something about autumn is so wistful and nostalgic. Your pumpkin spice latte and the memory of that first positive pregnancy test epitomize that sad but also hopeful longing that fall symbolizes for me. I know there are exciting times ahead for you with the upcoming IVF plans, and I'll be praying that soon you'll be making new, happy memories of the season.
ReplyDeleteI so get this. Your pumpkin spice latte's are like my Thanksgiving/Christmas. Two years in a row I found out I was pregnant in November, and both times we lost the pregnancies. I hope that one day your memories of what that latte is all about will be replaced with new memories....of fall approaching and you holding your snuggly little one in your arms, peacefully enjoying a book at Starbucks with your sidekick. I really believe that day will come for you!
ReplyDeleteGod bless you, Amanda. You did nothing wrong to cause the miscarriage. One day you will be holding your baby while drinking your Pumpkin Spice Latte ... or you will order it decaf with a beautiful bump on display. :)
ReplyDeleteAmanda, I know I always say this, but I'm thinking about you!!!
ReplyDeleteawww... so sorry that you have to go through all this Amanda. You are such a strong woman, and I know that you are going to be the best Mama in the world someday (hopefully soon)and when that day comes, all these trials and tribulations will have made you even stronger.
ReplyDeleteI think the fact that you went ahead and got your latte shows your strength and growth. I'm sorry it brings not so pleasant memories though :( Thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteOh Amanda, I'm so sorry. Trauma does that to us - binds itself to thing in order to stay with us. I'm so glad that you are able to have a latte anyways...and enjoy it...at least a little bit.
ReplyDelete