Starting Over

Well, believe it or not, it's been three months of not trying to conceive. Weird! My sabbatical is over and we are officially trying again, but just regular old fashioned: no meds, no science (beyond the trusty thermometer), no doctors. We have to wait until I've received the "all clear" from my doctor before we begin any new treatment. I'm hoping to go in for an ultrasound at the end of this month and praying for good results!

For now, I have a really positive outlook on this process. I say 'for now' because I know in 6 months if there's no baby and we've spent all our money, it's going to be REALLY hard to stay positive. But for now, I'm feeling better than I have in a long time.

You know how when someone gets sick or hurt, you want to trust, but it's so hard to believe that God is in control and He's working it all for the Good? Well, I think I've actually witnessed that process and seen "the good" for myself. Three months ago, I was devastated. How could I have such huge cysts? And how could the doctor actually expect me to go on birth control? It seemed so overwhelming! But now, on this side of the three months, (hey, hindsight is 20/20) I think I see the purpose.

Three months ago, I was starting to lose it. My heart was so broken, my head so confused, my spirit so crushed. I really believe that the Lord saw my need and gave me a break. It's something that either I couldn't or wouldn't do for myself.

I've already written of how wonderful it's been to enjoy caffeine and brownie batter and other such delicacies, but it's also been wonderful to sleep in with no alarm on the weekends (no temp check), pee when I want (no opk tests), and generally just live life without monitoring every nuance of my body each day. I think that removing all the rules has really allowed me to simply live.

This down time has given me rest. Rest for my body, mind, and soul. I've taken up yoga, and though my balance is atrocious and my body is just not that bendy, I have to admit that it really is nice to allow yourself time to take some deep breaths and let it all go. I've also read some great books lately about living in the moment and accepting the blessings of today instead of waiting on tomorrow's (more on this later). I think a culmination of all of this has helped me arrive at a much better place. I'm ready to start fertility treatments in August with a positive and open attitude. I'm trying to have no expectations. I'm sure once I actually start I'll be hanging on to every moment hoping and praying for my miracle baby. But I'm really trying to hang on to this current state of being.

So here's to trying again, with a refreshed attitude... Maybe this well be all the fertility treatment that I need! : )