So first off, to all of you ladies out there who have been reading along keeping up with my TTC journey as you travel yours, let me be the first to tell you, you are not alone. When I first started walking this path, I felt so, so alone. Luckily, I was kind of sheltered from too many pregnant ladies directly in my path as here in Augusta, most of our friends are in their early twenties and in some form of graduate school. But this isolation also made it so that all I ever heard were the happy stories from friends back home, it seemed as if I was the only one to fail at starting a family.
Since releasing my news, I've had an outpouring of well wishers, but also many notes from those of you who are right there with me for one reason or another. So again, let me tell you, you are not alone. There are many of us in our mid to late twenties who are struggling to begin our families. So take heart, you're not so unique after all!
Recently as I've been corresponding with some ladies who are in the midst of this dilemma, I've been thinking a lot about the difference in the emotional status of those who have experienced a miscarriage and those who have experienced infertility. A rare few have the misfortune of both. I myself am one, but I can distinctly separate the feelings of each.
Helpless. This is the best word I can use to describe my feelings during and soon after my miscarriage. My head was a swarm of different thoughts, my brain literally felt overloaded until I was numb. I remember thinking some truly ludicrous thoughts, praying some wildly insane prayers because I felt so helpless. In those minutes, hours, and days I wasn't thinking about getting pregnant again. I wanted that baby. I wanted to save her, and I was helpless to do so.
Hopeless. Those of you who have never conceived will probably have learned this feeling somewhere along the line. For me it came after the helpless faded and I realized that this wasn't quite as easy as I had heard. When there were no more double pink lines, the hopeless feelings rolled right in. It's hard not to feel hopeless when every month is another heartbreak, another let down, another expense, and nothing works and eventually the hopelessness settles in like a dark cloud over your heart and soul.
I'll be honest some days I feel like a great big bundle of both. I feel helpless because nothing I do works and I lost the only one I've had. Those feelings plus the hopeless ones from all the pee sticks, charts, and negative tests lead to one great big ball of misery. Other days, when I'm feeling more in control, or more productive like after a visit with the doctor, my feelings of empowerment cancel out all the negativity and I feel glimmers of hope.
That's what I'm looking for in the next few months. I know I'll still feel hopeless. Wherever you are in your journey, know that it's okay. You'll have good days and bad. But I'm pushing on looking for more glimmers of hope clinging to the promise that the Big Man has it all under control. I'm believing that he wouldn't have given me the desire to be a mother if he didn't intend to make me one... and that is one big glimmer of hope!
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